Start of a brand new week! Wow Week 7 already. I can't believe how fast the time is going by. 7 weeks of a new healthy living plan. For the most part I have n't felt deprived or like I'm missing out. I'm so please I'm down more than 2 stone, if I had n't have started this plan I would probably have been 2 stone heavier the way I was carrying on. Talk about a turn around, more than 300 degrees lol..... I'm waiting for the day where all this comes naturally though - where I dont have to think about staying away from bad things, when I can be totally in control. I often think about skinny people and how they think and feel about food. Do they have this constant battle like I do - always trying to make the right choices but slipping up from time to time or is it just natural for them, they dont even have to think about how they eat - they just make the right choices without even thinking. Do skinny people binge now and then and jsut eat healthily for the rest of the time. hhmmmmm me wonders! One thing I've noticed though is as my energy levels increace, my OCD tendancies get worse. For about 3 weeks now I've been getting up in the night at least twice, sometimes three times to go and clean up downstairs, do washing, hang it out and I'm starting to feel it cause I'm getting so tired during the day. I'm on the go constantly all day long too. I can honestly say that the work I do during the day would put any twig to shame - I often wonder how i actually manage to do it, alot of people my size are bedridden or have seriously limited mobility. Maybe I've just been pushing my luck all these years!! Who knows the science behind it, I guess I might just be lucky if you can call it that.
I was in a munching mood all day but luckily I managed to stick to healthy munchies and did n't move onto anything I should n't have - another day over, another day nearer to my goal!!
Tuesday 27 April
Munch Munch Munch!! That's what I wanted to do all day long - it was weird to be honest, I could feel a binge coming from early morning cause I could n't stop thinking about food or picking and nothing in actually quite hit the spot! I kept chosing the healthy options all day and was quite pleased with myself but by aboue 8pm I totally blew it!! Nutella on toast!! I'd seriously forgotten how nice that tasted.
Husbands can sometimes be a total waste of space, there are some things they are just not programmed to do, one of which is shopping and the other is to know when too much is too much. I sent him off to Asda with a shopping list, and when I say shopping list I mean it was more of a novel than a shopping list! I gave instructions for everything and described things in detail - for example beans, on special offer two packs for £4 pounds, pepsi max, on special offer, 8 cans for £2 .............. so can some one plz tell me why the hell he came back with 8 individual cans of beans, 30 cans of coke, not pepsi max, individual yoghurts instead of the multipacks on special offer, I can go on and on, suffice to say I've learnt my lesson, I'll no longer send him to Asda for more than milk and bloody bread! The idea of me staying away from supermarkets is to save us money! Did n't work like that last night did it... I'm fuming lol
Rant is not over, it gets worse! I called hubby while he was in Asda and being as I was in a binging mood I asked him to treat me with one bar of chocolate for me and some for the kids........... He bought a carrier back full of chocolate bars, individual bars that would have cost a fortune. I did n't actually realise how much he had bought until the middle of the night. I'd had my one bar of galaxy as my treat (on top of the other things I ate) and in the middle of the night I got up for the loo and kicked the carrier bag which was positioned on the floor by the bed and checked to see what it was........... oh lord, worse than a child in a candy store. Could n't even count how many chocolate bars were in there but there is one less wispa than there was before!! Why oh Why would he do that?? I know he probably thought he would be making me happy by getting all the chocolate, quite the contrary! I will never ever send him shopping again!
I need to be extra good now for the rest of the week and not continue with the bad habits that I had tonight, I'll be fine, tomorrow is another day, new start!
Wednesday 28th April
I had a good day today, was fine on my plan and did n't eat anything that I should n't have eaten. Infact today I was feeling really positive and looking forward to a good weigh in tomorrow and a good few pounds off. That was until I ended up at boots looking for a toothbrush for Haydar that he did n't really need and of course yet again the scales were calling out my name - I dont know why I do it, I punish myself like this every time and what did they say - I'd put on 3 pounds! Talk about mood drop in an instant! I've convinced myself that they are lying as they usually do but something is telling me that they aren't and this is what the scales will say at tomorrows weigh in. I feel fatter today - is this just a physcological thing - cause I've weighed and the scales were up that I've suddenly gained half a stone - dont really care what it is but I know I hate feeling like this :(
Thursday 29th April
I bought an icecream maker yesterday - I used to make some really yummy icecream when I followed the plan the last time I did it but when I did it then I used to eat it as soon as I had made it - nothing wrong in that, its all syn free but it is more about the lack of control that I used to have with icecream and this time I'm going to do it differently - I made strawberry and vanilla and also chocolate and vanilla which is 2 syns for the whole tub. I'm going to try to excersise self control around it and prove to myself that I can do it.
I NEVER WANT TO GET WEIGHED AGAIN!!
I put on a pound and a half and the disappointment was huge! I could n't even stay to class, I felt like I could n't breathe and needed to get out of there so fast. I dont ever remember feeling like this if I gained on weeks doing it previously. It was totally irrational, 1 and a half pounds can be lost by going to the loo (which I probably did cause when I did finally get home I spent half an hour on the loo with the runs). I could n't even go straight home - I sat in the car in total disbelief and I was quite happy just drowning in my self pity till a woman knocked on the window asking me to move my car so she could park - lucky she could n't hear what I was saying back to her but it had a few choice words. Haydar's kinder egg is no more! I've had a kinder egg in the car for ages that I'd been keeping for Haydar - it had become like a little friend (not literally) and seeing it there every day was like an achievment because I'd not actually indulged and eaten it - It had been melted by the heat in the car recently but that did n't matter, I've never shoved something in my mouth so quickly and not even tasted it but I just crammed it in. I then kicked myself cause I only had a pound on me so could n't even go to the tesco across the road to get some more crap - then I remembered I'd put a fivers worth of pound coins in the ashtray in the car - could n't get into tesco's quickly enough. I bought a cream egg, a flake, 2 vanilla slices and a packet of alpen light bars - actually not the usual things I would have bought for a binge so something has changed. I ate the flake first then one of the vanilla slices and by then was starting to feel quite ill but even that did n't stop me. Full packet of alpen light bars and a cream egg and half the other vanilla slice later I went home - how crap did I feel then. I actually snuck into the house, went up stairs for a shower and got into bed without any one even realising I was there and I wallowed, wallowed in all the self pity that I could muster. It was 3 hours before hubby actually realised that I was home and we spent some time having a chat - not about the food, just about how crap I've been feeling the last few days and after having 2 bowls of coco pops I went to sleep.
Friday 30th April
I truely luv all my girlies, I truely do!! I have a private group on facebook for weight loss, mostly for slimming world but for any ladies who are on a weightloss journey - its a small group, totally private and we all support each other. I woke up feeling much more positive after yesterdays disaster, really mad at myself but hey, yesterday is gone and I could have done two things today - turned a bady day into an even worse week or brush myself off and go for it - My girlies give me so much strength. I've not met all of them, a few I have and have become very close to and am so greatful to them. They say all the right things at exactly the right time and make me feel so positive. I want to give them all a huge cyber hug, we all just get on so very well.
I had a fantastic day! Food wise I did good, trying to concentrate on having more super free foods as the last week I had n't had as many. Not purposely but just had n't been to the supermarket as much. This daily trip to the super market was becoming rather expensive as I was no only buying the fresh fruit each day but also much more aswell - you know how it is, these buy one get one free offers catch us every time and I was spending far too much money, wasteful really so I stopped going and have just decided to get hubby to pick up the things we need on the way home. That really was the only thing that I had done differently to the previous week where I had lost 4 and a half pounds. The chocolate that I ate during the week was n't enough to put me over my syns but I'm not going to dwell on that any more.
Hubby talked to me today, he was worried that I'm getting too obsessed with cleaning the house - he finds it rather strange that as soon as I get out of bed in the morning I start cleaning the bathrooms and the kids bedrooms - I explained to him that I do that because Haydar is still sleeping and I get things done much more quickly and safely if he is still asleep and besides, the more I move the more I lose - thank you to the dear sister that posted that on the group, think I'm going to put that as our mantra!!
Saturday 1st May
My gosh where to the months go, I can't believe we are already in May, they say time goes faster as you get older but personally I'd like to find a pause button as things are going just a little too fast for my liking!
Ohhhh I'm such a clever little (not quite so little but working on it)girly!! I had a couple of friends come over for lunch today and I did not touch a thing, not one single morsel of popcorn chicken, spicy wings, cheese bites, muffins, biscuits or victoria sponge came any where near my mouth - I'm not going to lie and say it was easy cause it was n't - the hardest thing was bringing all the cakes into the room we were sitting in so my friends could help themselves - at one point I stared at the cakes just a little bit too long and I'm sure I was drooling :P not the first time and deffinately won't be the last time that I actually fantasise in my mind about how the bloody cake would taste etc - I'm starting to think I have sanity issues cause I was arguing with my internal self about the cake, one minute I felt week and was worried then next I was totally focused and was in total control so yeah me!! How good am I?
I'm typing this a little earlier than I usually would and I'm sat on my bed typing and munching on fresh strawberries and bananas, so much better for me than alpen light bars and hifi bars.
Tomorrow may be a bit of a difficult one for me - I have my friend coming from manchester for the day with her 2 boys and her husband and as it was her youngest sons birthday today we've decided to go out to a place like the whacky warehouse and then order them pizza so I need to come up with a meal plan for me and my friend who is following the plan also - I'm going to make a fresh batch of icecream too and we can eat it straight out of the bowl cause I've discovered that by putting it in the freezer for any length of time makes it go rock hard - had to put it in the microwave today for a minute and a half before it was even soft enough to get a spoon into it - the Mr Whippy style icream you get when it comes straight out of the bowl is so much more appealing.
I've had 3 cans of baked beans today - I pity my husband haha - he tells me I've been trumping alot in my sleep, not sure if he's just teasing or being serious - I'm inclined to think he's just teasing because based on previous baked beans experiences I doubt he would have been able to stay in the same room if I was trumping all night, never mind the same bed lol - your own trumps never smell as bad to you as they do to other people and quite frankly my baked beans induced trumps are pretty potent!! Too much info? Oh well I do love to share all of my news :P Confession time - I have recently blamed a rather nasty trump on my two year old son and we must be on the same wave length cause his daddy asked him if he had done it and he said yes - bless him, protecting his mother even at such a tender age :P
Talking of children - my kids are really my inspiration! Yes I'm doing this weight loss programme for myself but also because I want to be around to see my kids move on, get married and give me beautiful grandkids. But hey not too many, with six kids and if they all had 3 kids each I'd be totally skint at Eid lol - I'm far too young to even think about grandkids, my yasmeen is 17 and she has a couple of friends with kids already and their life revolves around the dole office and struggling to feed them and their kids - I want so much more for my children so my health is vital for me to reach a ripe old age to enjoy my kids kids and have the fantastic option of handing them back to their parents at the slightest little whinge haha.
Good night my ladies, sleep well and may tomorrow be another successful day on our weightloss journey.
Sunday 2nd May
Had a really busy day today - a friend came up from Manchester with her husband and 2 kids. It's always pretty manic when they come down but I love every minute as she's a dear friend and I don't get to see her as often as I would like.
The men decided they wanted to go off and play pool so the ladies took the kids off to Football City so they could burn off some energy - I'm asking myself how come the men always get to go off kid free when we always end up trying to entertain the kids? Raw deal spings to mind, think that needs to change hmmmmmm.
We picked up pizza and fried chicken on the way home. The men had been sending text messages about how hungry they were, we did n't hurry back, let them suffer lol - by the time we did get back they had attacked the fruit bowl and I was suprised all their fingers were still intact.
I have to confess, I had about 4 crusts off the pizza! I dont eat the main part of pizza as it does n't agree with my tummy but luv the crusts - you only live once so live dangerously. I'm a bit scared I'm getting too relaxed about this healthy eating plan but even if I put on again (let's not even go there) I'm not going to stop going to group - usually what happens with me is that I put on one week, then the next and then blow it again for another week and think what the hell, I cant do this any more, stop going to group and then leave my plan completely. It's not going to happen again - no matter what I WILL ALWAYS go to group or before I know it I'll be throwing everything away again. Now it's time to pull my socks up and get strict, I will not fail, this is a long term thing and there are going to be slip ups along the way, I'm not a saint and it would be unrealistic to say I'm never going to go off track again! As long as I can see the next day as a fresh start I'll be fine, just don't want the off days to become frequent.
I spent a long while this morning thinking about weightloss, not just about me and my journey but about the whole concept in its entirety. I have a worry that to my friends I have become the person who is always dieting. The person who is on a perpetual cycle of weight loss and weight gain. It seems that every few months I go full cycle and become unhappy with how I look, how I feel about myself and how unhealthy I am. I worry that they see me as the friend who looks for new diets, talks about nothing except what I've eaten and what I've not eaten, about how my trousers are feeling looser and how the scales are showing in my favour, yet a few months (more likely to be a few weeks) I've fallen off the wagon and gained the stone I've lost and the cycle starts all over again. People seem to make yearly resolutions that this is the year where things are going to change, this is the year where the fat demons will finally be conquered permanently. It does n't matter if its 60 pounds, or the holiday weight that was put on, what ever the amount the resolutions stay the same, I want to be thinner, I want to look better. Succeed or fail these resolutions are stated every single year and I've been thinking about why that is. I've been getting some inspiration from Kate Harding, I love the way she talks and the things that she says. If you get chance, read her Shapely Prose
http://kateharding.net/faq/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/
she's a little crass sometimes but her ideas are certainly an interesting concept. Fat acceptance is pretty much her mantra and she blows the concept of fat people always being more unhealthy when compared to thin people, right out of the water.
She wrote a letter to Oprah which pretty much sums up weight loss and its journey
"Some days, you feel like it would be so much easier to take on that old part-time job again — especially when you’ve done it so many times, for so many years, you could do it in your sleep. All you have to do is carve out three or four hours a day to exercise more vigorously, obsess about what you’re going to eat next, and prepare it; stop listening to your body and only pay attention to your food plan and workout schedule; cut out some hobbies and social time to make room for the job; recall all the tips and tricks for not eating at holiday gatherings, at restaurants, at your dear friends’ houses, at your own birthday party; retrain yourself to believe that salad dressing — let alone artisanal bacon, creme brulee, whatever — doesn’t taste good enough to warrant its negative effects on your job performance; talk constantly about what you’re not eating and how great it makes you feel, in hopes that some of your friends will join you at this lonely little workplace; and — most importantly — continue to believe with a religious fervor that your body is an ugly, hateful thing that must be punished and diminished. As long as you really believe that, the rest isn’t so hard to keep up, once you get used to it (again)."
Reading her blog has really made me think about why I want to lose weight, what is the real reasoning behind it. Of course the first reason and really one of the reasons every one states they want to lose weight is for their health. If we are at a point where we are so overweight it affects our health then thats time to do something about it - I know my weight affects my health in some ways however I do not suffer from things that most doctors will state a person of my weight would be suffering from. I do not have diabetes, I am not bed ridden, I do not have high blood pressure or sores from the folds in my skin. I do not sit around all day eating to maintain my huge weight, actually on the contrary - I'm on the go morning till night, cooking cleaning ferrying kids all over the place, washing, ironing the list goes on. I'm not saying I dont suffer as a result of my weight - clearly I'm not as fit as a 'regular' sized person and I get out of breath more quickly when asserting myself yet when I think about it, is my quality of life as bad as someone on the other extreme. There are alot of similarities between the over weight person and the very underweight person. Food and thoughts of it probably are in our minds all of the time, one battling to stop eating, one battling to prevent themselves from eating. Does n't the fact that the very underweight person has probably got as many health issues, all beit different health issues as the very overweight person make them that different. I think the issue here comes down to society and acceptance. Is n't it true that as a society we more readily accept the very thin person as apose to the very fat person based just on looks. If people think about it in terms of health then there really is n't much difference but its down to the visual perception that as a fat person we are gross to look at and killing ourselves through our pure greed and need to shovel huge portions of chocolate and cakes down our gullet! One recognised major difference is on one side its considered lack of self control and on the other side its consider abuse of self control, taking it to the extreme. Is my mission futile or am I taking this journey for the right reasons. Am I doing this truely for myself or because of societies refusual to give me the respect that I deserve just because I'm fat???
Interesting thoughts, I'd love to have your comments on this.
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