In for the long haul week 3

Monday 29th March

Today was weigh in day.... 4lb off! So why do I feel so disappointed, not just disppointed I feel quite depressed. I dont know what I was hoping for or expecting but it was more than 4lb I mean 4lb is really good so why do I feel crap about it. I think the realisation of how long this all weight loss thing is going to take just hit me today - I mean two weeks on and I've lost 10lb but thats really good. I gave myself a good talking to and I'm half way to feeling better about it. I actually think its cause I have n't eaten enough that I've not lost more weight so this week I'm going to make a big effort to eat all I am meant to eat with out freaking out and thinking this means I'm having daily binges. I'm just going to have all the sins I'm allowed to have plus my healthy extras and squeeze in a bit of free food too, try it for a week and see how it goes.

Not got much to say today so I'm going to get off and just chill for a while and eat some food!!

Tuesday 30th March

I decided today to change my blog site as the other site I was using seemed to be quite confusing and this actually seems much simpler for people to follw - thats if any one is following lol

I want to go to Asda or Tesco and be able to buy an item of clothing from there that actually fits me! That will be a total first for me and may seem something really small but to me its actually a big thing - no longer having to shop in 'fat' shops and pay the inflated prices they charge for the extra material they use.
I also want my feet to shrink! I've been told that happens if you lose large amounts of weight and if mine were to shrink even one size I'd feel like all my christmases/Eids had come at once cause I've got size 9 feet and I can't buy shoes in regular shops cause they always seem to stop at a size 8. They better shrink anyway cause having size 9 feet and being nice and slim (being a bit premature here) just won't look right.

A friend today had a suggestion - she had taken her kids swimming and had seen some muslim women swimming in full clothes - hijab the lot and thought it might be something we could do together - after telling her that if I swim fully clothed I'd probably drown cause my clothes are so heavy she decided that infact it probably was n't a good idea. You can buy muslim ladies swimming costumes, they are called niqabinis, something like that but I dont think its for me - there is something about being in a pool, wearing a swim suit and feeling totally free that makes the idea of swimming pretty much fully clothed not worth while. I'm thought about building a pool in the garden but quickly assessed this as not practical and I'd probably be able to stretch as far as a paddling pool - hence swimming is off the menu for now.

Now I've got something else to moan about. Home excercise equiptment!! I was looking on the net for a cross trainer or excercise bike that I would be able to buy and use in the privacy of my own home - the gym is n't an option for me at the moment, no time, no money and no get up and go. Here is the problem!! Why oh why does most of the home excercise equiptment availible only take weights up to 18 stone - If I weighed 18 stone I would nt need a bloody excercise bike or cross trainer!! If you want something that takes heavier than that you need to take out a mortgage to fund it. Now I'm thinking do they really mean no heavier than 18 stone or is that just their get out clause if a 32 stone man decides to go for it on their x trainer and ends up on a heap on the floor! So I'm wondering what the capacity for over the weight limit would be??? Well at least I have a valid excuse now not to excersise!!

Wednesday 31st March

Bad times Bad times! Today I really needed to binge!!!! I dont know why, nothing particular happened but I had the munchies from getting up and still have them now, I really could sit and eat a stack load of bad stuff, probably consuming something like 3000 calories in the space of 20 minutes! I had an angel beside me today - It really shows me how support from friends can really help. I went to Manchester to visit a friend who is also doing the plan and every time I wanted to eat something that I'd deffinately feel bad about afterwards she refused to let me have it - we went to Nero and I've NEVER had coffee in a place like that without having a huge chunk of chocolate cake or a tuna and cheese melt panini - bless her, we got coffee and sent no 1 son to get us an appetising bag of snack a jacks - dipped in my coffee they went down a treat but it was n't chocolate, did n't hit that spot!

We went to the Trafford Centre today and boy did we get some looks. My friend is on the larger side too so we probably look quite intimidating, marching along in our hijabs with 6 or 7 kids in tow - I'd probably look twice too - mind you it was quite funny when an 'asian' woman walked past staring cause I stared at her back and even turned my head back to continue staring at her and she did the same, I sense she felt a little uncomfortable after that! I often try to work out why people stare at me but as there is a few good reasons it might be a mixture of a few. The first being that quite simply I'm fat! Yup fat attracts the eyes of people, they are drawn to it, oh how I wish I could just place a pole or lampost in the way of a person that is oggling me as I walk past - but then it could also be that I wear hijab, or could be that I'm fat and wear hijab but then it could also be that I've got 6 kids in tow and sometimes I need to be a little loud to get them all in order - oh what the hell, what ever it is, I'm past caring, next time someone stares me out I'm tempted to do a full moony in front of them but that would n't just be a full moon it would be a total eclipse. I've never really been one who can sink into a crowd - I think us fatties, or me at least feel a need to be loud and make people laugh - we are especially good at laughing at our selves, its like a defense mechanism - laugh at ourselves so we are laughing with other people rather than trying to defend ourselves - I'm sure I'm not the only fatty that does that! They always say people change when they lose weight, not only do they drop the pounds they drop the personality too - not me though I'm a total nutter now and i'm sure I'll always be that way no matter how skinny I get!

On that note I'm going to log off and tuck into an alpen light chocolate and fudge bar, the highight of my fodder for the day!!

Thursday 1st of April

Bit of a manic day today. I was soooo hungery but managed to stay in control and only ate things on the plan and accounted for everything. My hubby went to london today with our yongest son so I've been able to sit on my bum and surf the net.

My friend has been following the Extra Easy plan on slimming world and she can eat, and has been eating so much and she still lost 3 pounds. This slimming world plan is ace, I'm realising so much about my own eating habits and how poor they are. I'm also realising that I can eat foods that I've previously convinced myself that I could n't eat. To cut a very long story short I had a gastric by pass done in November 07, it was actually my second weight loss surgery - the first one went wrong leaving me not being able to eat real food at all - no meat, rice, pasta, potatos etc yet all the bad stuff I could eat, icecream, chocolate, biscuits etc. if I ate proper food I could only eat a tiny amount and then would n't be able to drink for hours afterwoods. The amount of times I was laid up for days just for eatinog meat was ridiculous - hence I developed a real food phobia and even though the 07 surgery has corrected what went wrong I still have that food phobia and that is probably why initially after the op I lost 6 stone really quickly but put it all back on as my stomache healed. Its a learning proccess for me. Since I started this plan and started eating real food I'm realising just how much of a phobia I do have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not able to eat a huge plate of food but I am able to eat enough to keep me satisfied and its still a learning process. I'm still scared of eating vegetables so that is something I'm really going to work hard on and start eating cause I'm really not eating enough of that. I'll get there, just need to keep telling myself that my stomach has been fixed so small amounts of these foods are ok.

On that note I'm going, its actually Friday morning that I'm typing this, I did start it last night but clearly did n't finish it as I turned the laptop on this morning and saw I'd started to type on here but got so tired I did n't finish.

Friday 2nd of April

Balls Balls and more Balls!!

I typed a whole post out and somehow it did n't save, so muttered a few choice words.

Today I, actually my friend who is staying for the weekend decided to weigh out the 10 pounds that I have lost to show how heavy it was - boy was it suprising and makes me wonder how I'm able to carry around all this extra weight. If I manage to lose 50 pounds I'm going to need a fork lift truch to weigh that out and carry it - Apparently fat people are mega strong too cause they constantly are carrying around all their excess weight - does that mean under my blubber coat I have the muscles of a body builder just waiting to get out - ha I wish, actually no i dont cause I dont wanna look like those ladies all glossed up with grease and fake tan without an ounce of femininty between them all ewwww gross!

I'm in aww of my friend, same said friend that weighed out ten pounds for me - I'm going to follow her mantra - if you are allowed it then bloody eat it, why make yourself suffer and feel deprived cause that way you won't manage to stick to the healthy eating plan and will go off the rails. I'm going to eat my 15 sins a day and have all my healthy extras. I'm deffinately eating so much more since I started this plan but I'm eating healthily.

It's said that crises happen in 3s - well I bloody hope not cause if that's the case we are going to be toiletless by the end of the night - one is blocked, no one told my bright son that its not a good idea to try to flush kitchen roll down the toilet and the door on the downstairs loo is jammed, the lock has gone wrong - suppose I should be greatful that no one was in the bathroom cause last time this happened Leila was in the toilet for more than 45 minutes before we managed to get her out. So greatful for that 3rd bathroom even if it is in my bedroom.

I'm really suffering with my back oat the moment, so badly that I'm even struggling to turn over at night - its really starting to affect my mobility now anad I would be so very greatful if I could get on the scales on monday and find me 2 stone lighter but that is n't going to happen. I want to be able to walk round a shopping mall without having to sit down all tlhe time - a well meaning friend suggested that I use a mobility scooter but to me that would be like finally giving into my fat - not a chance in hell, I'm going to beat this and jump out of this fat suit once and for all!

Saturday 3rd of April

I was thinking about profound statements that were directed at me during my life time and I've come up with two that really stuck with me and actually made me doubt myself - the first one, and it has been said by many people and actually is something they considered a compliment however it was anything but, 'you have such a pretty face, its a shame about the rest of you' I mean the hell, thanks for telling me I'm pretty but you kind of ruined it with the shame about the rest of me, makes it sound like my body is a disease or something, or not even connected to my body!!! I wish I'd had the foresight to turn it around and say, nice body shame about the face!! Not like they can change the face is it, at least I can fix my body, as I'm trying to do now, yes its a work in progress but nothing short of a complete face lift will fix their issues!!! I'll not mention here who said these things, sufice to say they know themselves. The other statement actually left me standing with my mouth open and really not knowing what to say. I was only about 17 when it was said to me but I remember like it was yesterday. A well meaning friend, same age as me said to me one day 'for a fat person you really take good care of yourself, you always smell nice and wear nice clean clothes' I mean come on!! How do you take that, it was meant as a compliment but shows the general consensus is that fat people stink, are filthy and wear crap clothes! I did n't even have a come back for that, it came out of the blue and nearly flawed me!

My buddy Emma stopped an iniment crisis today and she does n't even realise it yet - she will do once she reads my blog today but I'm thanking her for it even though she has no idea - I've been fancying a bing today, I was so good, with Emma's support I only had a skinny latte in Costa when I really could have downed a cheese and tuna melt and a slice of carrott cake. However the feeling has n't gone and all day I'd been plotting in my mind about my late night binge! I found chocolate in my room this morning and was going to devour it, plus muller rice, nutrigrain bars and wotsits!! I was really looking forward to it. When we were going to go upstairs Em asked me if I was going to take anything to munch on upstairs and I could hardly say yeah I'm just going to pack a suitcase full of naughty stuff and take it with me so I headed upstairs with my diet coke, disaster averted!! Cheers hun xxx

I'm begining to think that the way to get rid of this needing a binge is just to have one and get it over and done with then I'll be good again for a few weeks. I'm not even hungry but I so need to taste something that resembles chocolate and its driving me insane! Trying to work out if I'm good enough to have one bar of chocolate and leave it at that - if I could do it then it would n't be a problem cause I could just use it for my sins trouble is 4 aeros, 3 twixes and 2 cream eggs kind of push me over the limit of 15 sins a day. It's a test I need to put myself through but I'm not brave enough quite just yet.

Right thats it for tonight, I'm gonna have some fat free yoghurt and a banana, does n't quite sound as appealing as what I really want but I can blame Em for that!! Cheer luv! (through gritted teeth)

Sunday 4th April

We made a cake today!! You may find that something normal but this is a cake that only had 1/2 a sin for the whole cake and it was yummy! Mind you if I make it again I'm sure I could eat the whole thing in a day, not really the ideal thing.

Bad day for me today, I'm being honest, I've been urging for a blast on chocolate and yummy things for days and days and today I gave in to it but I'm ok about it. I'm glad I did it to be honest cause tomorrow is another day and I can just focus on having great losses having got rid of my urges. Sorry Emma, I gave in but I'm feeling so positive about tomorrow so it's not the end of the world!

I've decided now I'm going to start going to a proper group. I've found one thats round the corner from my house and at 7pm on a Thursday evening. Its a different lady doing this one and I'm quite happy about that as I've been to so many groups in the past and they have all been run by the same lady and I'm kind of shy to return there coz I've failed so many times. I think it will just give me that added bit of support that I need and also to check if I'm doing anything wrong as to be honest my weight loss is ok but its not brilliant.

I was sad to see my buddy go today, I love having her and her kids here and it always seems so long between visits. I guess this is the marvel that is the internet as we can make friends all over the country but that often makes visits infrequent but on the other side it means we really appreciate the times we do spend together. The time always goes so fast when she comes to stay, same as always when we are having fun!

Weigh day tomorrow, I will really be suprised if I've lost so even one pound will be a bonus but from Thursday I'm going to take the scales at slimming world as my real weight - saves trips to boots and the demon talking scales haha.

Baby Steps Week 2

Monday 22nd March

Whohooo D day is finally here - actually W day - Weigh day!! Today was such a busy day for me, had loads to do and it was all hampered by a serious need to pee all the time!! I mean really, its getting very irritating now cause I'm having to plan things very carefully and make sure I'm no more than 10 metres away from a loo! I remember this happening when I've followed the plan previously but not to this extent - maybe its a bit of excess water and age related incontinence just miraculously happened at the same time - ok I jest, I'm not old enough for that, I'm still working my way to middle age. Please now do not ask me what is defined as middle age, anything past 37 will do :P

This loo business left me in a serious crisis today, it was far, oh so very far from funny at the time but I must admit I'm chuckling about it now but I'll go into that in a bit.

Left home early for me, around 9 and did a couple of chores before I reached Boots for the grand ceromony, the first weigh in - I was already needing the loo by the time I got there and how stupid of boots not to have a loo there!! I did contemplate getting in the car and driving to the other side of the carpark to widdle first before I weighed but really even for me that was going OTT!

Any one weighed in boots lately??? Please tell me why oh why do they have to have talking scales?????? I mean as a 'large' person getting on the scales is bad enough but when a bloody machine is booming out please stand tall, checking weight now, please take print out and 99% of the store hear it and turn to look at what is going on, lets face it, its not exactly being discreet is it! I'm rather happy I was there early and there did n't seem to be too many people in there, having said that I did n't even look at the ticket till I'd left the store, could n't get out of there fast enough!! I resisted the temptation to strip before I got on the scales, left my shoes and cardigan on, just wanted to get it over and done with as fast as possible. I had hoped to get on the scales and have dropped 2 stone but that's just a tad on the unrealistic side so the 6lbs that came off will have to do, baby steps is good, slower it comes off, the longer it stays off - I'm trying to not to show my excitement but I was really chuffed and its made me feel even more motivated now to get another 3 off next week - fingers crossed.

I had to go to Manchester today, about a 55 minute drive from home and by the time I was about 10 miles away and there was 14 miles till the nearest service station I was seriously regretting buying that medium coffee from costa - regret is mild actually, I was by then swearing at myself. If you have never experienced a diet bladder,its completely different from just having a full bladder - seriously you can feel your bladder filling up faster than niagra falls (we brits do tend to exaggerate) and every extra second is vital in timing for getting to the loo. There was no where to go pee!!! Panic started setting it, I started to feel flushed and really exceedingly stressed, not to mention extrememly full in the bladder department. I was by then dancing around in my seat, trying to drive up the motor way and work out how long it was going to take me to drive, by then the 3 miles left to my friends house. 10 mins, not a cats hope in hell I was going to make it. I was by then close to tears and jumping around as much as I could w hile driving and looking for a place to piddle - that was it, there was either going to be a huge disaster or I was gonna have to take drastic action - I appolgise in advance for those who think this is TMI but I have to share it. I swevered onto the hard shoulder, stuck the hazard lights on and kind of waddled while trying to cross my legs over a mound and down a really steep embankment, quick glance around to make sure no one was behind me and I had to go!!! The relief, I cant begin to tell you - right at the point I did n't care if any one saw me - I'm trying to imagine what one would think if they came across a hijabi squatted down on a steep hill in the middle of no where - not a pretty sight but there was no other option and quite frankly by that point I was beyond caring. I appolgise if any one is traumatised by this but hell, it was a dam sight better than the other option! Lesson learnt, no drinks if I'm going to be more than 3 minutes away from the loo - how bad it was today, only 3 miles later and I'm at my friends house and I was already desperate to go again!!! I guess if you've never had a dieters bladder you would n't truely understand the feeling, its so different from needing the loo in the normal fashion, its meant to be your body getting rid of excess water but if that's the case I must have one hec of alot of extra water cause I dont know where else its coming from, infact I should be drowning in a huge pond but who I am to undrestand the science of why this happens. If I did n't have a downstairs loo this would be a good excercise plan - up and down the stairs every two minutes to have a widdle - who needs a walk in the park, just get a dieters bladder and you're all set!

The value of sharing information was never more apparent than today. The friend I was visiting today is also following the SW plan and on discussing things she mentioned some fat free yoghurts she had bought and how nice they were - due to influence from a very welcomed halal police woman friend I have I decided to look at them and check it out - how mortified was my friend to find out they were not free as she thought but infact 5.5 sins each - she had eaten 6 the previous day and 2 on that day - needless to say she won't be eating them again - she'd also assumed that fresh fruit juice was free too - nice to share and pick up on where we are going wrong - dont think she was my friend after that hahah

Right I'm off to munch on some strawberries, hubby bought some organic ones that look like they have been on steriods they are so big and I want to eat my share before my kids get in there and scoff the bloody lot!

Tuesday 23rd March

As far as diet goes today it was pretty uneventful - I set myself a mission to head off to Tesco with my sin free branded food book - its really good and I was able to find some good sin free things to eat, anything has to be better than beans and mash, the novelty of that is starting to wear off!

Had a good chat with a fellow slimmer today and it seems I'm not the only one thats suffered from the incontrolable bladder since starting the diet - I was quite relieved actually, not that she is suffering too but that her SW consultant said its perfectly normal and WILL get better, it better had or I'm going to end up strapping a pack of Tena Lady to myself any time I need to move more than 10 feet away from the loo!

Same said friend is coming up for a girly weekend and we are going to have a food fest! Experimenting with loads of recipes and free foods etc I'm really excited about it, will be good to try some new things and have a friend with me who is also following the same plan. I promise I will not buy the kids your favourite white chocolate chip cookies - I can resist but it would be cruel of me to inflict that on her!

In a rather odd sort of way I'm attatched to my padding - it keeps me warm and my son said to me last night he did n't want me to be skinny cause I would nt be all soft and cuddly then. People say you change when you lose a substantial amount of weight and I've read countless stories of circles turning into rectangles (refer to my first blog for an explanation of that) and not being happy and actually wishing they were fat again - dont think I'd have much trouble becomming fat again if I was truely unhappy being skinny - I've been an expert at that all my life but can I really believe I would be happier being fat after working so hard and experiencing how it is to be skinny - truth is I dont know, I've never been there, never been skinny - I remember being 14 stone at 14 and thats pretty much how it continued. People talk about how a certain thing that happened made them decide enough was enough and decide they had to start getting rid of the blubber - I've so many things that have happened that probably should have been the wake up call that I needed but even those did n't make it happen - having to get off a ride in a theme park cause the safety bar would n't go down, spending 7 hours on a plane squashed so tight into a seat that i had bruises on the side of my legs, need I go on - oh yeah once going to a restaurant and actually bursting into tears cause the seat was so small it was cutting into my legs and I was in serious pain and even worse than that having a waiter bring me a different chair in full view of the whole restaurant - even that was n't my wake up call! Before I had kids I used to worry that being overweight would affect me having children - clearly it did n't cause 6 kids later I'm still on this on going journey. I've always beeen pretty fit for a fatty, I used to play hockey and swim, never let it bother me except in more recent years when I've been suffereing with a bad back and joint pain - still manage to get about and do my stuff. I even brushed off my recent miscarriage when the nurse said my weight could have been a factor - na not me, I'm fat but fit and I've had 6 kids - how come they managed to be born ok - that does play on my mind though and in my head I've decided not to make determined effort to concieve at this moment - would like to lose some weight just in cause it was a factor in my recent miscarriage although I'm far from convinced. Maybe I'm the only fat person that thinks like this but I feel untouchable, yup I'm fat but all those 'fat' issues happen to other people. Actually more to the point is that I've managed to convince myself that I'm invincible. As I'm typing I'm watching super skinny vs super size and its not helping watching it seeing a super skinny twiglet who is totally unhappy with her size. Is n't the truth that no matter what our body size or body shape is, we will never truely be satisfied - so my mission, my aim is not a weight, not a size, but just to be healthier and every pound I lose will have me heading towards my target!

Wednesday 24th March

Balls Balls and more Balls! Temptation proved too much, I should have known it would - infact I was positive it would when I decided I had to get my sons nappies from Boots when I was going to Tescos as well - I told myself I would go to boots cause I collect the advantage points and use it to treat myself from time to time - who was I kidding - the lur of the weighing scales proved too much - in the car on the way there I kept saying to myself, dont do it dont do it, I guess I kind of experienced in a tiny way how drug addicts or alchoholics feel. I weighed and right away wish I did nt cause............. despite doing everything right I was a pound heavier than I was on monday - like what the hell?? Do I have to cut off my arm to lose a pound or something and yes I was and am being totally irrational but I dont care - my sensible head is telling me, thats why we are told only to weigh once a week as we always fluctuate and so many factors influence the scales - being rational I know that but looking at the weighing slip told me different - I''m breathing deeply and from now on I'm not even going to step foot in boots except for a monday morning - you would have thought the shame of standing on scales that talk louder than my arab husband does when he is on the phone and trust me that is really loud, would have discouraged me but even that did n't. I think even if the scales even shouted out my weight I'd still be tempted..... Mmmm no I would n't. Maybe I should email boots and tell them if you have to embarrass us fatties but having scales that talk to us and alert the whole store to whats going on, why not go one step further, let the scales shout out the weight too and have us all heading off to slit our wrists as people look around and realise you are probably heavier than the mini parked outside the shop window!

I feel much calmer now I've let that out :) and I'm totally disregarding that weight and am thinking like it never happened and I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing, I know it works and I'm not going to let some numbers drag me down.

How come is it we are always good at giving advice but when it comes to following it ourselves we are totally rubbish - I was helping a fellow slimmer last night who was having issues about eating too little yet for the last two days I've been doing the same. Its not a conscious thing, I did n't even realise it till I was writing my food diary last night and now I see many gaps again where I should have been having things. I've just been keeping myself busy so I dont get bored and give myself time to think and crave things. I'm not getting that much free food in and I'm missing a couple of healthy extras too. Note to myself tomorrow I'll deffinately be taking my own advice and fitting in a couple of snacks to boost my intake.

How is it that as soon as we lose weight, even if its only a couple of pounds we think our bodies have been transformed into Kate Moss look alikes - I've lost 6 lbs, my little finger probably weighs that much so NO I'm not suddenly 14, 12 or even 10 sizes smaller yet today I tried on a pair of trousers I've not worn for about 2 years and suprisingly expected to get them on yet they did n't even reach past my knees just the same as they would n't have done last week - us dieters love to set ourselves up for a fall, punish ourselves by pushing targets that are not realistic - baby steps, need to learn to crawl before I can walk - more like actually need to learn to sit up before I can crawl, I've such a long way to go - Day by day, even hour by hour is the key I think, just need to retrain my brain to think like that!

Thursday 25th March

First of all I have to say today how proud I am of my slimming buddy - she's done so well and 8lb in a week is an inspiration to us all, I'll deffinately be taking some ideas from her food diary, way to go Em!

I started today off really well, had a proper breakfast, my quorn bacon style rashers on toasted bread with ketchup - It's very rare we have those in the house cause just saying the word bacon on it means hubby bans it but I just could n't resist.

I had an unexpected trip in the afternoon to pick up a friend who wanted to come stay for a few days so I was off to Manchester but that meant I did n't get lunch today and instead just snacked on some pineapple on the way there - I hardly used my sins either so I really need to be eating more as the less you eat the less weight you lose. In this case, more is deffinately the way to g0.

I've had a fab day with my friend, she's following the plan to so we were able to make a sin free dinner and I actually totally enjoyed it, quorn chicken pieces and chinese rice - yummy for sure!

Nothing much more to write today and I'm totally shattered so I need to get and grab some sleep - will catch up properly tomorrow xxx

Friday 26th March

wow day 12 here and I'm still going strong with total motivation! My motivation was proved today and I'm rather proud of myself if I do say so myself. Tempation was all around and I did n't even fold one little bit - went to Asda to get yet some more pineapple and decided after that my circle friend and I would have a nice jacket potato with beans in the cafe there. I asked the woman to put a sprinkling of cheese on top of them and she may aswell have dumped the whole pack on. First mishap was trying to sit in a bench like seat attached to the floor - darn it I felt the whole table move as I sat down and was rather greatful that I was wearing a something slippy so I could kind of slide myself out. I then decided I did n't want all of the offending cheese and tried to sort of flick it off onto the side of the plate - ummm I kind of used far more force than was neccessary and nearly wet myself laughing as grated cheese flew across my table and landed on the table next to us - so ladies in the next table if you ever some how read this, I appologise and I really did n't mean to flick cheese at you :P

I sniffed chocolate today!! Well its better than eating it is it not? It smelt unbelievable, I imagine rivers in heaven are flowing with chocolate, kind of like in willy wonka except without the umpa lumpas and the air smells like cadbury's chocolate factory. Reading back I'm a bit worried about myself now cause if I was reading this on someone elses blogg I'd probably get them sectioned!

I feel lighter today! I mean not a whole lot more lighter but I'm sure I have lost weight this week - if I have n't I'm going to chop a finger off or something cause I'll be sucidal if the scales don't show what I want - I'm used to getting what I want so how come I can't wish myself skinny - its the one thing in my life I've not been able to control but guess what - I'm feeling more in control now than I ever have done and for me, thats huge progress! Oh and another positive is that I finally seem to have gained control of my bladder, I can't tell you how much of a relief that is!

Two days till I meet with the omen scales that talk, lets hope they talk my language this time!

Saturday 27th March

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

My mum (god only knows how) found her way to my blog and knows about the chocolates! Guess I really owe her a new box and seeing as she's just had surgery I'll buy her a huge box when I visit her only this time I'm putting them in the boot so I really can't be tempted to eat them - not that I will cause I'm on focus past focus and soooooooo chuffed!

Had friends over for a BBQ today and boy did the chicken and lamb smell good but I was really controlled, had about 4 pieces, small amount of rice and some salad - I even managed to walk to the icecream van and just have a coffee! Today stress was at a maximum! Kids playing up big time and even then I managed to keep on the path, I so hope I can continue this till I get to a healthy weight.

Not going to write much today, I'm wondering if I should n't be blogging every day and just stick to every few days cause maybe people get bored of reading it when I waffle on too much? We'll see.

Good night fellow bloggers, oh and don't forget clocks go forward by one hour tonight! x!x

Sunday 28th March

I'm feeling a bit traumatised today! As far as I remember I was a big child, not just a big child but a biiig child. I was at boarding school and I remember not being allowed to have desserts after lunch and would go off to do piano practise while every one else had custard and sticky toffee pudding. I was n't even allowed to spend my pocket money in the school tuck shop - think that affected me cause I still remember now the feeling of being singled out and every one knew why. A friend from a family that I used to stay with in holidays etc contaced me recently cause her mother had passed away and while emptying her mothers house she came across a stack of photographs that belonged to me and she kindly sent them to me - I did n't even rember these pictures existed but looking at them now I dont think I was actually that big - I was deffinately bigger than the average child but deffinately not HUGE and I wonder now if less damage would have been done to my eating habits had I not have been singled out so young and being allowed things in moderation rather than being denied them completely! I think as parents we all have a difficult knowing how best to deal with a child with a weight issue and often we try our best but don't get it right, maybe it is all genetic and we fatties are going to be this way when our eating habits are out of control.

I've just put myself through the trauma of eating quorn pieces with thai sweet chilli flavoured rice. It was like eating cardboard, maybe I did something wrong but I'm not going to be doing that again, I've got serious jaw ache! Beans and Mash would have deffinately been more appetising. I'm fancying something sweet - think that fat free fromage frais 2 chocolate options and splenda is on the cards, when you've been chocolate deprived for nearly two weeks its suprising what you can get excited about :P

I know its only been two weeks since I started but I've deffinately got more energy and more get up and go about me - I've been waking up in the middle of the night and going downstairs and cleaning - I'm not saying thats normal but for me it is but lately I was so tired I had n't been doing that and I'd been doing everything to avoid going up and down the stairs during the day. I think its more that I'm eating properly and not guzzling down so much sugar rather than the actual weight loss at the moment. Good times, long may they continue! Weigh day tomorrow aadn the start of week 3 - wish me luck!

The Seemingly Never Ending Journey Week 1

Sunday 14th March (Mothering Sunday)

Ok so finally I've decided it really is time to tackle this weight issue head on. Having been overweight all my life I don't know what its like to be slim - I've always joked, as probably have most over weight people about how great it would be to wake up one morning and suddenly be a size 8 - my response to that is if that happened to me and I tried to get out of bed I'd probably end up smacking into the wall in front of me cause I would feel as light as a feather and not realise it does n't need as much effort to get out of bed.

So here I am, about to start on my daily diet blog, not even sure people will bother to read it but maybe it might help me keep things clearer in my head, kind of like I'm talking to myself, something I do quite frequently - oh my that does n't sound great does it, not just an overweight chick but an overweight insane chick!

So what is going to stand in my way with this new life style of mine - having a husband who loves me as I am and does n't see the problem with me carrying the extra pounds (he does nt have to carry it all around does he, if he did he'd be the first one hitting slimming world!) 6 kids and all the temptation of the crisps and other yummy snacking stuff in the house probably won't help but I've got my determined head on my shoulders and I can do it.

I have a confession! Today being mothering sunday I headed off to Bradford with the flowers (lovely bouquet if I do say so myself) and a lovely box of Thornton's chocolate. Thinking for a moment how come I did n't get any chocolates for mother's day, although I was totally spoilt with flowers and gifts, nothing edible came my way! I digress, so on the way to Mothers house I realise that not only am I starving (definitely not literally) and that today was going to be the last day I could eat chocolate and all those yummy other things. The shops shut at 4pm on Sunday and to be honest, really could n't be bothered to go buying things. I apologise in advance mother for eating your chocolates on the way to give them to you - how shameful is that but I can justify it by saying better I eat them and put on the pounds than Mother cause I'm going on a diet tomorrow and can easily lose those pounds :p

Monday 15th March Day 1

The dreaded day has arrived, let those pounds melt away :P

I'm not going to reveal my starting weight, I'd rather walk over hot coals than do that but suffice to say arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh, still by the end of week one the numbers should start heading downwards. Monday will be the official weighing in day, I've taken the batteries out of my scales, don't want to become the scale monster like I normally so will be heading off to boots each monday with great anticipation.

Had my morning coffee, have to say it really did n't give me the hit I wanted cause I love my coffee made with milk but that's in the past, today it was regular coffee with a dash of milk and 3 splenda sweeteners - can't big that splenda up enough, it's the only sugar substitute that does n't taste like bleach - not that I've ever tasted it, just could n't think of anything else to put lol

So with good intentions breakfast was 2 eggs fried with fry light, beans and 2 slices of WW Danish toasted. Excellent meal, managed the toast and most of the eggs but only a few of the beans. How come is it when you are on a weight loss programme you think of food so much more than normal. Mid morning snack of grapes, not too many probably about 10, and a lunch of.... wait for it, so exciting, beans (yes more, thinking I might end up with a flatulence problem if I keep hitting the beans. TMI?) and smash!! I love smash, never forget those adverts from years ago with the metal robots. I could live off mash but I really out to find a way to spice it up a bit but still keep it free. Mid afternoon stuck some spuds in the oven, they looked like boulders they were that big, and headed off to Tesco to stock up on lots of 'yummy' free foods. How come the day I start a new plan, Tesco has so many offers on all the junk I love to eat... I did it, did n't fold and get anything I could n't eat freely - my poor kids, once the biscuits etc we have in the house are gone I'm buying no more, much better for them to be eating healthier too - I suffer so can they!

My jacket spud was so exciting, such a nice crisp skin to it but the tummy monster does n't agree with the skin so just had to make do with the inside, mixed with ............................................ beans! oh and a tiny bit of cheese. Think I might turn off the heating tonight :P Supper was yoghurt and an options hot chocolate.

What a fab day, so proud of me - Day one of a million more, best not get too excited yet :p

Tuesday 16th March Day

Morning coffee, slowly getting used to it. I'm wondering how many sins does coffee mate light have in it cause it might make the coffee taste better than dish water. Managed a small fruit salad for breakfast even though the gorgeous looking croissants on top of the fridge definitely sounded more appealing - weird though cause the fruit salad looked so much better visually as do all fruit and veg, the colour ranges in them never fail to amaze me, definitely starts the feel good factor in me!

Being the culinary specialist that I am I cooked up some pasta for lunch, just added some passata into the cooked pasta and then add a bit of grated cheese, it was surprisingly tasty, might be a bit more adventurous next time I make it and add some herbs, maybe some basil and garlic would go down nicely with it.

I like to try to keep busy cause if I'm not I start thinking and when I think I get hungry and end up raiding the fridge for anything I can find that remotely resembles good stuff. Haydar had nursery so I dropped him, went to tesco (again) and grabbed a few things. Actually a few heavy things like a water melon and 12 pints of milk. Left most of it in the car for the kids to bring in once they got home from school, see how lazy I am, actually it's not laziness, just can't carry heavy things without being in agony with my back. I'm hoping that as the pounds melt off I'll stop resembling a 90 year old woman and walk tall instead of hunching over and hurting in places I did n't think could actually hurt.

My problem times are evening, I used to bring a shopping bag to bed (as my husband calls it) loaded up with nice treats for me to eat once I'm in bed watching tv - sadly I'm a night eater, even wake up in the night and if there are snacks left over I'll eat them, even at 3 in the morning - hubby often asks me in the morning what i was doing cause he woke up to the noise of paper. Lesson for today, stop taking snacks to bed cause there is no way I'd be bothered to go down to the kitchen to get them. Beans and mash for dinner (again) followed by 2 yoghurt and an options hot chocolate. Middle of the night snack 2 bananas and a yoghurt!

Wednesday 17th March Day 3

Ok now today was a huge toughy and I'm so proud that I managed to get myself through it although I snacked pretty much all day but managed to snack on free foods only and foods I was allowed for Healthy extras etc. Wonder why some of us have dna that makes us eat and eat and become the size of the back-end of a bus and others can eat exactly what they please and look like a walking skeleton.

Had an urge today to drive all the way to boots to see if I have dropped any pounds but being as this is only day 3 I think I'm probably acting a bit premature! Decided not to go because if I did and I have n't lost I'd probably need sectioning! Kids should come with a warning label saying 'Kids can seriously damage your health.

I ate more today than I have done in so long but it was all good healthy stuff and lots of beans and stack loads of fruit.

I'm so proud of me, my hubby just does n't get this whole diet issue and insisted on trying to get me to taste some chocolate thingys that he had brough back from Iran and I won! How focused I am, I'm giving myself a gold star! Next time he tries to tempt me I'm gonna give him such a slap he'll never consider doing it again (kidding about the slap, I'm not a violent person usually!)

Thursday 18th March Day 4

So what is it with diets and going to the Loo - I've been so many times today that I've lost count, actually think I can't go any where tomorrow cause as soon as I've gone, I need to go again!

I was so busy today, did my usual chores and attacked my ironing so I did n't really eat anything till about 4pm when I had a big bowl of beans and mash again. I bought a book off eBay called 100 Green recipes so I'm going to look through that and find something different for me to make and eat cause I really need to lay off the beans.

Bananas on toast tastes amazing, I had some in the evening around 8pm and have made the huge decision that I will take no snacks to bed what so ever from now on, only a bottle of water - whats not next to me can't get eaten so that's the way forward for me! I'm so happy that I have some lovely ladies that I know supporting each other through this weight loss journey and hopefully we will succeed no matter how long it takes. Come on ladies we can do it.

So here I am making a list of all the things that a 'large' ladies struggles with and I mean 'large' not just a couple of stones overweight.

Plane seats, bus seats and cinema seats do they think we are all anorexic?

The ability to buy chocolate in shops with out people looking at you and you can see them thinking that's why you're fat luv!

Having to run a bath and not fill it much cause once you get in it the water is near the top of the bath lol

Going into a restaurant and ordering a coke and the waiter says will that be a diet coke madam?

Could go on and one but I'm off to enjoy my options hot chocolate and go to the loo yet again, I only went about 10 minutes ago!!

Friday 19th March Day 5

Apparently blogging can become addictive pffffft as if :P

Deep in thought this morning I was trying to work out where I've gone wrong so many times before (not got enough fingers to count them nor the mentality to go past 10 after yet another bowl of mash and beans!) Initially I seem to have great success and lose loads of pounds in the first couple of months then things go belly up and I start eating everything in sight thats edible - even I've not got to the desperate measures of chomping on cardboard or other inedible things) So how do I do it - quite simply I deprive myself of anything in this world that tastes good. No sins at all and often even cutting out the HEX but clearly this can't be maintained for long periods of time. This time (heard that before too) I'm going to do things differently, when I work out some different things to eat and allow myself to have some little treats now and then. One can only try to do things differently from things that have failed before.

I'm giving myself another gold star today! Not only do I still have chocolates in the car (blush and hangs head in shame), although they are getting fewer as each time a child gets in the car with me I'm force feeding them thorntons chocolates, I survived a trip to the drive through and I only had................. a fruit bag! whohooo yeah me! Putting that aside for a moment while I calm myself down, I've had a dark moment today, completely stupid and I'm over reacting I'm sure. I took my son to the park with my eldest daughter and after playing she took him to get him an icecream and I wanted a nice hot coffee with sweeteners - mmm she brought it to me, steaming hot, had a mouthful and realised it was actually a Latte!!! See my nose smells coffee and goes into over drive and I drank half of it, it was just a small one any way but now I actually feel traumatised not just cause I had a latte but I dont know how many sins it is or if I could use it out of my milk allowance. I'm a control freak in these situations and the not knowing keeps me thinking about it - don't worry I'm not going to spiral off in a downward motion and stuff myself silly with icecream but it showed me how I really need to know the value of everything that I put in my mouth or it leaves me feeling disturbed (how come I keep referring to myself in moments of insanity??) Would n't be so bad if I'd eat a mars bar and was freaking out over it but a coffee, come on!

Its hubby's birthday on sunday and that means cake! Not just any cake but the gorgous fresh cream sponge cake that I get from the Pakistani bakery. Its just melt in your mouth kind of stuff but I will take control and I won't have any (seriously) I was thinking if I could justify not getting him a cake cause I'm on a diet or justify it again with the, you could do with losing a few pounds hunney so I've done you a favour and not got you a cake but I think thats actually a bit mean so I''ll be the one in control and make sure I cut extra large portions so that there is none left for me too drool over later in the day.

Forward planning, now thats the key - as a friend and diet buddy told me today and how right is she so I'm going to be working on a menu for next week from my books so I can add lots of variety in to my diet but still keep me on the plan. This week I'm just settling in so I can handle beans and mash for a while - not sure hubby can though but I can always blame it on Haydar and a stinky nappy :p

To be continued tonight!

There was n't much to write about in the evening, it was pretty uneventful as far as the diet goes, treated myself to bananas on toast and an options hot chocolate that actually tasted pretty bad to be honest but it had a taste that somewhat resembled chocolate so there was no way I was going to waste it. I also ate pineapple, well actually loads of pineapple, so much that my mouth and lips felt like they did n't belong to me and my tongue felt like it was pretty much capable of walking off by its self.

Oh something exciting did happen (pretty worrying that this was the highlight of my day). I bought hifi bars! For those not in the know, these are kind of cereal bars that are made by slimming world and take the place of one healthy extra or 6 sins - these were actually sent from heaven if you ask me cause they are just mouthwatering (hell I'm getting worried, get a grip girl these are just cereal bars!) The orange and chocolate ones are just awesome - I've not eaten one, I've just put the packets on the side and so far have just looked at them - these bars are a pound for 3 from slimming world but I bought mine from ebay and they cost around a pound each! Expensive treat but so worth it, I'm going to savour the moment when I eventually have one, for now they have pride of place on top of the microwave for when I'm having a really really desperate moment. I have even got a new flavour to try, fruit flap jack with cranberries, I'm sure its not going to be as exciting as the chocolate and orange ones but never the less still a treat. I've actually had a thought that I might give my old slimming world counsellor a ring and see if I can buy some from her, they have to be cheaper but then I think 'hello I don't want to come to your class but can I buy some hifi bars from you cheaply' may be a bit cheeky, still nothing lost nothing gained I'm gonna give it a go.

Now I'm thinking about why am I not actually going to a class?? For one, I've been to so many of this lady's classes and fell on the first week, I think twice I went and came home and had a mars bar lol and to be honest I really don't have the time, most of the classes are early evening when everything is really frantic at home (do I sound convincing or is it just a feeble excuse) T he other class she does is at 9.3o in the morning and any one that knows me will know I'm just not good at doing mornings. I think I'll ring her, maybe she might have a solution??

Right going off now, another successful day and only 2 days till weigh in and for the first time in my life I will have gone a whole week on a diet programme without weighing myself every day. I get obsessed with it - I mean really obsessed. In the past I've taken to driving EVERY day to the nearest boots which is n't round the corner just to weigh myself so this is a huge achievement for me, there should be a sticker made for this purpose, 'I'm no longer a scale junkie'. On that note I need to pee again!

Saturday 20th March Day Day 6

Ha I got rid of them, the offending chocolates in the car are gone - I'm sure my daughter and her friend thought I had gone quite barmy when I thrust this half eaten box of chocolates into their face and said FINISH THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. They did quite a good job, just left those awful Turkish Delight ones that taste like washing up liquid so I did n't feel guilty about throwing them in the bin - sorry to any one that would have enjoyed them but had they been caramels or truffles I'd have saved them but turkish delights ewww does any one really eat them?

Having just munched my way through a pack of cream cheese and chive mini ryvita (one b healthy extra choice) I thought I'd come on here and see what inspiration would flow from my fingers - my husband calls them little sausages but they are most deffinately fingers!

I took a bit of time today to refresh myself and go through the plan and give myself a remindeR of what is free food, healthy extras and sins etc cause I felt I needed to add a bit of spice to things. Only so much pineapple and beans and mash one person can eat after all. (just to add, not all at the same time lol) Typing out parts of the plan for my facebook group actually helped cause it made me remember a few things I'd forgotten. For example the ryvita mini snack bags - they may not sound like much of a thrilling choice of snack to the average person but to me they were the ultimate biz today - now I did something that perhaps I should nt have which was buy a pack of 6 cause they are tempting, strangely enough more tempting than chocolate right now but I will NOT have any more and WILL stick to one pack a day - a useful way of using up a healthy extra.

I thought about having a bath today - dont get excited, I dont mean it to sound like its a rare happening! I shower every day, actually sometimes twice a day - I remember years and years ago being in a supermarket and this circle lady (I'll explain later but for now it means fat lol) come past me and she was most deffinately a very large circle and sorry to be graffic but she stunk! Dont know what she stunk of to be honest but I'll never forget the smell and to me its the large circle smell. I think before I go on I should explain about the 'circle' business. A very good friend of mine, who is large has a 4 year old son and quite innocently he asked her one day, mummy why are you a circle and why is daddy a rectangle??? Having a rather skinny husband it draws to the conclusion that circles are fat people and rectangles are skinny people - since then I refer to myself as a circle - not a semi circle but a full blown circle, infact I could probably go as far to say that I'm two circles lol. Blimey I've just realised that I waffle as much when I'm typing as I do when I'm talking. I digress.. so back to the bath thing, as I was saying I shower every day sometimes twice a day as I always get the impression that rectangles expect circles to smell bad and there is no way on t his earth I would get myself into a state where people could walk past me and go ewwwwwwww... so I thought about having a bath today, infact I got quite excited and thought that maybe now I could have a bath and be able to put more than a foot of water in it without it over flowing after I got in - had to then remind myself I'm on day 6, not year 6

I had a discussion today with a friend, the very same friend with the circle or rectangle son. We were discussing the fat gene and how we became fat. I felt quite happy that by the end of the discussion it was decided that I probably had the fat gene and she did nt. See I've been a circle since being a small child. Photos from the age of around 2 show me starting to get on the tubby side and seeing as at that age I was n't responsible for what food or drink I put in my mouth and that my mother did n't feed me on liquid chocolate there for it stands to reason I could n't have been responsible for being a circle. My circular friend however is - she did n't start gaining weight till her teenage years, by then she was old enough to make the right, or in this case the wrong choices and is there for guilty for every bit of food and drink that passed her lips! Hahaha rather a silly explanation for a very complicated concept but as it was in my favour I'll keep that one lol. I'm a circle cause I have the fat gene whohoooooo, all those years of guilt for my food abuse is melting away.................................. NOT!

The majority of rectangles think that circles have to eat and eat to get fat - well maybe that might be the case initially but I've read so many articles about this and it is really suprising how few more calories a fat person has to eat than normal to continue to gain weight. Maybe it's because we move less and store more I don't know but it seems a tad unfair really does n't it, we are doomed from all angles. There is the conception that really fat people sit and stuff there faces all day but that's not always true. I for one do not sit and stuff my face all day. I just eat the wrong things and in comparison to a lot of people I don't really seem to eat many more calories than they do but could it be that it matters from what kind of food those calories come from - as mine come mostly from chocolate and coke then that could actually be a valid explanation!

So I've made it through another day whoohooo! Mind you I'm having a bit of a munchy hour, feel really quite hungry so I've just snacked on a fat-free yoghurt and a banana but it has n't really hit the spot - A while ago people were selling sprays and patches that stunk of chocolate and supposedly if you had a sniff of it, it would stop you craving it - I think I'd have to be covered in patches from head to toe for them to have any benefit at all. Seriously how can smelling something satisfy a craving - if I walk into a bakery and I can smell the bread and cakes cooking I don't suddenly think oh yes that's great and bang I don't fancy a big f at eclair now - on the contrary, I start to drool and my stomach starts talking to me - why put yourself through that, has the world gone mad, coz with the amount of people addicted to chocolate etc we'd all be walking round with patches top to bottom - something just occurred to me, if you can sniff chocolate and you stop craving it why not just buy a bloody big bar of Cadbury's milk chocolate and sit there sniffing it - much cheaper idea I think although being such a bright spark I've realised that sniffing actual chocolate to beat a craving probably would n't work cause the chocolate is there right in your face and it would take a far stronger person than me not to fold and eat the chocolate in 30 seconds flat! It's not something I'd like to experiment on either just incase. You know you can get that horrible tasting stuff that people put on nails to stop them biting them, could n't they develop something like that for chocolate, would probably only take half a dozen times of tasting something that bad to be put off chocolate for life? Or would it lol I'm such a crack pot only I can think of these things.

Hubby's birthday tomorrow so I've got the joys of looking at a lovely sponge birthday cake while every one eats it or maybe if I just sit there sniffing it I might get put off - mind you I'd probably be sectioned because it really is n't the done thing to sit there sniffing at someones cake while being watched by friends and family.

Phrase of the day - Eat to live, not Live to eat! :D

Sunday March 21 Day 7

Whohoooo I made it through the first week!! I have to say I'm really quite proud of myself and I'm not in the slightest bit worried about weighing in tomorrow cause I've been so good I have to have lost weight!!

Took hubby out for lunch today as its his birthday and I was even good there. I made sure I took my time and thought about what was the best thing for me to eat without ruining all my good work - in the end I had grilled fish (healthy extra) steamed basmati rice which is free and a bit of bread that I can sin - but all in all good choice for me.

Hubby was really happy with his b-day present, a ps3, was worried he would n't like it cause he's always so busy and does n't get much time for this kind of thing but his smile light up the room, well chuffed! I think that my mother holds the record for the most bizarre present ever! I'm actually still in disbelief as I'm typing it - here's what you buy a man who already has anything - you go to morrisons, pick up a gift bag, a lemon, a lime and a packet of breadcrumbs and................... a packet of smoked salmon, fresh salmon and some other kind of fish????? Lucky he likes fish lol - luv you mum that one has to be the best ever! I have to say the gift bag was pretty cool though, it had a birthday cake on it and when you pressed the buttons the candles lit up!! I assure every one that as far as I am aware my mum still remains perfectly sane (I think)

Thought for today.... The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook