Monday 29th March
Today was weigh in day.... 4lb off! So why do I feel so disappointed, not just disppointed I feel quite depressed. I dont know what I was hoping for or expecting but it was more than 4lb I mean 4lb is really good so why do I feel crap about it. I think the realisation of how long this all weight loss thing is going to take just hit me today - I mean two weeks on and I've lost 10lb but thats really good. I gave myself a good talking to and I'm half way to feeling better about it. I actually think its cause I have n't eaten enough that I've not lost more weight so this week I'm going to make a big effort to eat all I am meant to eat with out freaking out and thinking this means I'm having daily binges. I'm just going to have all the sins I'm allowed to have plus my healthy extras and squeeze in a bit of free food too, try it for a week and see how it goes.
Not got much to say today so I'm going to get off and just chill for a while and eat some food!!
Tuesday 30th March
I decided today to change my blog site as the other site I was using seemed to be quite confusing and this actually seems much simpler for people to follw - thats if any one is following lol
I want to go to Asda or Tesco and be able to buy an item of clothing from there that actually fits me! That will be a total first for me and may seem something really small but to me its actually a big thing - no longer having to shop in 'fat' shops and pay the inflated prices they charge for the extra material they use.
I also want my feet to shrink! I've been told that happens if you lose large amounts of weight and if mine were to shrink even one size I'd feel like all my christmases/Eids had come at once cause I've got size 9 feet and I can't buy shoes in regular shops cause they always seem to stop at a size 8. They better shrink anyway cause having size 9 feet and being nice and slim (being a bit premature here) just won't look right.
A friend today had a suggestion - she had taken her kids swimming and had seen some muslim women swimming in full clothes - hijab the lot and thought it might be something we could do together - after telling her that if I swim fully clothed I'd probably drown cause my clothes are so heavy she decided that infact it probably was n't a good idea. You can buy muslim ladies swimming costumes, they are called niqabinis, something like that but I dont think its for me - there is something about being in a pool, wearing a swim suit and feeling totally free that makes the idea of swimming pretty much fully clothed not worth while. I'm thought about building a pool in the garden but quickly assessed this as not practical and I'd probably be able to stretch as far as a paddling pool - hence swimming is off the menu for now.
Now I've got something else to moan about. Home excercise equiptment!! I was looking on the net for a cross trainer or excercise bike that I would be able to buy and use in the privacy of my own home - the gym is n't an option for me at the moment, no time, no money and no get up and go. Here is the problem!! Why oh why does most of the home excercise equiptment availible only take weights up to 18 stone - If I weighed 18 stone I would nt need a bloody excercise bike or cross trainer!! If you want something that takes heavier than that you need to take out a mortgage to fund it. Now I'm thinking do they really mean no heavier than 18 stone or is that just their get out clause if a 32 stone man decides to go for it on their x trainer and ends up on a heap on the floor! So I'm wondering what the capacity for over the weight limit would be??? Well at least I have a valid excuse now not to excersise!!
Wednesday 31st March
Bad times Bad times! Today I really needed to binge!!!! I dont know why, nothing particular happened but I had the munchies from getting up and still have them now, I really could sit and eat a stack load of bad stuff, probably consuming something like 3000 calories in the space of 20 minutes! I had an angel beside me today - It really shows me how support from friends can really help. I went to Manchester to visit a friend who is also doing the plan and every time I wanted to eat something that I'd deffinately feel bad about afterwards she refused to let me have it - we went to Nero and I've NEVER had coffee in a place like that without having a huge chunk of chocolate cake or a tuna and cheese melt panini - bless her, we got coffee and sent no 1 son to get us an appetising bag of snack a jacks - dipped in my coffee they went down a treat but it was n't chocolate, did n't hit that spot!
We went to the Trafford Centre today and boy did we get some looks. My friend is on the larger side too so we probably look quite intimidating, marching along in our hijabs with 6 or 7 kids in tow - I'd probably look twice too - mind you it was quite funny when an 'asian' woman walked past staring cause I stared at her back and even turned my head back to continue staring at her and she did the same, I sense she felt a little uncomfortable after that! I often try to work out why people stare at me but as there is a few good reasons it might be a mixture of a few. The first being that quite simply I'm fat! Yup fat attracts the eyes of people, they are drawn to it, oh how I wish I could just place a pole or lampost in the way of a person that is oggling me as I walk past - but then it could also be that I wear hijab, or could be that I'm fat and wear hijab but then it could also be that I've got 6 kids in tow and sometimes I need to be a little loud to get them all in order - oh what the hell, what ever it is, I'm past caring, next time someone stares me out I'm tempted to do a full moony in front of them but that would n't just be a full moon it would be a total eclipse. I've never really been one who can sink into a crowd - I think us fatties, or me at least feel a need to be loud and make people laugh - we are especially good at laughing at our selves, its like a defense mechanism - laugh at ourselves so we are laughing with other people rather than trying to defend ourselves - I'm sure I'm not the only fatty that does that! They always say people change when they lose weight, not only do they drop the pounds they drop the personality too - not me though I'm a total nutter now and i'm sure I'll always be that way no matter how skinny I get!
On that note I'm going to log off and tuck into an alpen light chocolate and fudge bar, the highight of my fodder for the day!!
Thursday 1st of April
Bit of a manic day today. I was soooo hungery but managed to stay in control and only ate things on the plan and accounted for everything. My hubby went to london today with our yongest son so I've been able to sit on my bum and surf the net.
My friend has been following the Extra Easy plan on slimming world and she can eat, and has been eating so much and she still lost 3 pounds. This slimming world plan is ace, I'm realising so much about my own eating habits and how poor they are. I'm also realising that I can eat foods that I've previously convinced myself that I could n't eat. To cut a very long story short I had a gastric by pass done in November 07, it was actually my second weight loss surgery - the first one went wrong leaving me not being able to eat real food at all - no meat, rice, pasta, potatos etc yet all the bad stuff I could eat, icecream, chocolate, biscuits etc. if I ate proper food I could only eat a tiny amount and then would n't be able to drink for hours afterwoods. The amount of times I was laid up for days just for eatinog meat was ridiculous - hence I developed a real food phobia and even though the 07 surgery has corrected what went wrong I still have that food phobia and that is probably why initially after the op I lost 6 stone really quickly but put it all back on as my stomache healed. Its a learning proccess for me. Since I started this plan and started eating real food I'm realising just how much of a phobia I do have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not able to eat a huge plate of food but I am able to eat enough to keep me satisfied and its still a learning process. I'm still scared of eating vegetables so that is something I'm really going to work hard on and start eating cause I'm really not eating enough of that. I'll get there, just need to keep telling myself that my stomach has been fixed so small amounts of these foods are ok.
On that note I'm going, its actually Friday morning that I'm typing this, I did start it last night but clearly did n't finish it as I turned the laptop on this morning and saw I'd started to type on here but got so tired I did n't finish.
Friday 2nd of April
Balls Balls and more Balls!!
I typed a whole post out and somehow it did n't save, so muttered a few choice words.
Today I, actually my friend who is staying for the weekend decided to weigh out the 10 pounds that I have lost to show how heavy it was - boy was it suprising and makes me wonder how I'm able to carry around all this extra weight. If I manage to lose 50 pounds I'm going to need a fork lift truch to weigh that out and carry it - Apparently fat people are mega strong too cause they constantly are carrying around all their excess weight - does that mean under my blubber coat I have the muscles of a body builder just waiting to get out - ha I wish, actually no i dont cause I dont wanna look like those ladies all glossed up with grease and fake tan without an ounce of femininty between them all ewwww gross!
I'm in aww of my friend, same said friend that weighed out ten pounds for me - I'm going to follow her mantra - if you are allowed it then bloody eat it, why make yourself suffer and feel deprived cause that way you won't manage to stick to the healthy eating plan and will go off the rails. I'm going to eat my 15 sins a day and have all my healthy extras. I'm deffinately eating so much more since I started this plan but I'm eating healthily.
It's said that crises happen in 3s - well I bloody hope not cause if that's the case we are going to be toiletless by the end of the night - one is blocked, no one told my bright son that its not a good idea to try to flush kitchen roll down the toilet and the door on the downstairs loo is jammed, the lock has gone wrong - suppose I should be greatful that no one was in the bathroom cause last time this happened Leila was in the toilet for more than 45 minutes before we managed to get her out. So greatful for that 3rd bathroom even if it is in my bedroom.
I'm really suffering with my back oat the moment, so badly that I'm even struggling to turn over at night - its really starting to affect my mobility now anad I would be so very greatful if I could get on the scales on monday and find me 2 stone lighter but that is n't going to happen. I want to be able to walk round a shopping mall without having to sit down all tlhe time - a well meaning friend suggested that I use a mobility scooter but to me that would be like finally giving into my fat - not a chance in hell, I'm going to beat this and jump out of this fat suit once and for all!
Saturday 3rd of April
I was thinking about profound statements that were directed at me during my life time and I've come up with two that really stuck with me and actually made me doubt myself - the first one, and it has been said by many people and actually is something they considered a compliment however it was anything but, 'you have such a pretty face, its a shame about the rest of you' I mean the hell, thanks for telling me I'm pretty but you kind of ruined it with the shame about the rest of me, makes it sound like my body is a disease or something, or not even connected to my body!!! I wish I'd had the foresight to turn it around and say, nice body shame about the face!! Not like they can change the face is it, at least I can fix my body, as I'm trying to do now, yes its a work in progress but nothing short of a complete face lift will fix their issues!!! I'll not mention here who said these things, sufice to say they know themselves. The other statement actually left me standing with my mouth open and really not knowing what to say. I was only about 17 when it was said to me but I remember like it was yesterday. A well meaning friend, same age as me said to me one day 'for a fat person you really take good care of yourself, you always smell nice and wear nice clean clothes' I mean come on!! How do you take that, it was meant as a compliment but shows the general consensus is that fat people stink, are filthy and wear crap clothes! I did n't even have a come back for that, it came out of the blue and nearly flawed me!
My buddy Emma stopped an iniment crisis today and she does n't even realise it yet - she will do once she reads my blog today but I'm thanking her for it even though she has no idea - I've been fancying a bing today, I was so good, with Emma's support I only had a skinny latte in Costa when I really could have downed a cheese and tuna melt and a slice of carrott cake. However the feeling has n't gone and all day I'd been plotting in my mind about my late night binge! I found chocolate in my room this morning and was going to devour it, plus muller rice, nutrigrain bars and wotsits!! I was really looking forward to it. When we were going to go upstairs Em asked me if I was going to take anything to munch on upstairs and I could hardly say yeah I'm just going to pack a suitcase full of naughty stuff and take it with me so I headed upstairs with my diet coke, disaster averted!! Cheers hun xxx
I'm begining to think that the way to get rid of this needing a binge is just to have one and get it over and done with then I'll be good again for a few weeks. I'm not even hungry but I so need to taste something that resembles chocolate and its driving me insane! Trying to work out if I'm good enough to have one bar of chocolate and leave it at that - if I could do it then it would n't be a problem cause I could just use it for my sins trouble is 4 aeros, 3 twixes and 2 cream eggs kind of push me over the limit of 15 sins a day. It's a test I need to put myself through but I'm not brave enough quite just yet.
Right thats it for tonight, I'm gonna have some fat free yoghurt and a banana, does n't quite sound as appealing as what I really want but I can blame Em for that!! Cheer luv! (through gritted teeth)
Sunday 4th April
We made a cake today!! You may find that something normal but this is a cake that only had 1/2 a sin for the whole cake and it was yummy! Mind you if I make it again I'm sure I could eat the whole thing in a day, not really the ideal thing.
Bad day for me today, I'm being honest, I've been urging for a blast on chocolate and yummy things for days and days and today I gave in to it but I'm ok about it. I'm glad I did it to be honest cause tomorrow is another day and I can just focus on having great losses having got rid of my urges. Sorry Emma, I gave in but I'm feeling so positive about tomorrow so it's not the end of the world!
I've decided now I'm going to start going to a proper group. I've found one thats round the corner from my house and at 7pm on a Thursday evening. Its a different lady doing this one and I'm quite happy about that as I've been to so many groups in the past and they have all been run by the same lady and I'm kind of shy to return there coz I've failed so many times. I think it will just give me that added bit of support that I need and also to check if I'm doing anything wrong as to be honest my weight loss is ok but its not brilliant.
I was sad to see my buddy go today, I love having her and her kids here and it always seems so long between visits. I guess this is the marvel that is the internet as we can make friends all over the country but that often makes visits infrequent but on the other side it means we really appreciate the times we do spend together. The time always goes so fast when she comes to stay, same as always when we are having fun!
Weigh day tomorrow, I will really be suprised if I've lost so even one pound will be a bonus but from Thursday I'm going to take the scales at slimming world as my real weight - saves trips to boots and the demon talking scales haha.
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