Baby Steps Week 2

Monday 22nd March

Whohooo D day is finally here - actually W day - Weigh day!! Today was such a busy day for me, had loads to do and it was all hampered by a serious need to pee all the time!! I mean really, its getting very irritating now cause I'm having to plan things very carefully and make sure I'm no more than 10 metres away from a loo! I remember this happening when I've followed the plan previously but not to this extent - maybe its a bit of excess water and age related incontinence just miraculously happened at the same time - ok I jest, I'm not old enough for that, I'm still working my way to middle age. Please now do not ask me what is defined as middle age, anything past 37 will do :P

This loo business left me in a serious crisis today, it was far, oh so very far from funny at the time but I must admit I'm chuckling about it now but I'll go into that in a bit.

Left home early for me, around 9 and did a couple of chores before I reached Boots for the grand ceromony, the first weigh in - I was already needing the loo by the time I got there and how stupid of boots not to have a loo there!! I did contemplate getting in the car and driving to the other side of the carpark to widdle first before I weighed but really even for me that was going OTT!

Any one weighed in boots lately??? Please tell me why oh why do they have to have talking scales?????? I mean as a 'large' person getting on the scales is bad enough but when a bloody machine is booming out please stand tall, checking weight now, please take print out and 99% of the store hear it and turn to look at what is going on, lets face it, its not exactly being discreet is it! I'm rather happy I was there early and there did n't seem to be too many people in there, having said that I did n't even look at the ticket till I'd left the store, could n't get out of there fast enough!! I resisted the temptation to strip before I got on the scales, left my shoes and cardigan on, just wanted to get it over and done with as fast as possible. I had hoped to get on the scales and have dropped 2 stone but that's just a tad on the unrealistic side so the 6lbs that came off will have to do, baby steps is good, slower it comes off, the longer it stays off - I'm trying to not to show my excitement but I was really chuffed and its made me feel even more motivated now to get another 3 off next week - fingers crossed.

I had to go to Manchester today, about a 55 minute drive from home and by the time I was about 10 miles away and there was 14 miles till the nearest service station I was seriously regretting buying that medium coffee from costa - regret is mild actually, I was by then swearing at myself. If you have never experienced a diet bladder,its completely different from just having a full bladder - seriously you can feel your bladder filling up faster than niagra falls (we brits do tend to exaggerate) and every extra second is vital in timing for getting to the loo. There was no where to go pee!!! Panic started setting it, I started to feel flushed and really exceedingly stressed, not to mention extrememly full in the bladder department. I was by then dancing around in my seat, trying to drive up the motor way and work out how long it was going to take me to drive, by then the 3 miles left to my friends house. 10 mins, not a cats hope in hell I was going to make it. I was by then close to tears and jumping around as much as I could w hile driving and looking for a place to piddle - that was it, there was either going to be a huge disaster or I was gonna have to take drastic action - I appolgise in advance for those who think this is TMI but I have to share it. I swevered onto the hard shoulder, stuck the hazard lights on and kind of waddled while trying to cross my legs over a mound and down a really steep embankment, quick glance around to make sure no one was behind me and I had to go!!! The relief, I cant begin to tell you - right at the point I did n't care if any one saw me - I'm trying to imagine what one would think if they came across a hijabi squatted down on a steep hill in the middle of no where - not a pretty sight but there was no other option and quite frankly by that point I was beyond caring. I appolgise if any one is traumatised by this but hell, it was a dam sight better than the other option! Lesson learnt, no drinks if I'm going to be more than 3 minutes away from the loo - how bad it was today, only 3 miles later and I'm at my friends house and I was already desperate to go again!!! I guess if you've never had a dieters bladder you would n't truely understand the feeling, its so different from needing the loo in the normal fashion, its meant to be your body getting rid of excess water but if that's the case I must have one hec of alot of extra water cause I dont know where else its coming from, infact I should be drowning in a huge pond but who I am to undrestand the science of why this happens. If I did n't have a downstairs loo this would be a good excercise plan - up and down the stairs every two minutes to have a widdle - who needs a walk in the park, just get a dieters bladder and you're all set!

The value of sharing information was never more apparent than today. The friend I was visiting today is also following the SW plan and on discussing things she mentioned some fat free yoghurts she had bought and how nice they were - due to influence from a very welcomed halal police woman friend I have I decided to look at them and check it out - how mortified was my friend to find out they were not free as she thought but infact 5.5 sins each - she had eaten 6 the previous day and 2 on that day - needless to say she won't be eating them again - she'd also assumed that fresh fruit juice was free too - nice to share and pick up on where we are going wrong - dont think she was my friend after that hahah

Right I'm off to munch on some strawberries, hubby bought some organic ones that look like they have been on steriods they are so big and I want to eat my share before my kids get in there and scoff the bloody lot!

Tuesday 23rd March

As far as diet goes today it was pretty uneventful - I set myself a mission to head off to Tesco with my sin free branded food book - its really good and I was able to find some good sin free things to eat, anything has to be better than beans and mash, the novelty of that is starting to wear off!

Had a good chat with a fellow slimmer today and it seems I'm not the only one thats suffered from the incontrolable bladder since starting the diet - I was quite relieved actually, not that she is suffering too but that her SW consultant said its perfectly normal and WILL get better, it better had or I'm going to end up strapping a pack of Tena Lady to myself any time I need to move more than 10 feet away from the loo!

Same said friend is coming up for a girly weekend and we are going to have a food fest! Experimenting with loads of recipes and free foods etc I'm really excited about it, will be good to try some new things and have a friend with me who is also following the same plan. I promise I will not buy the kids your favourite white chocolate chip cookies - I can resist but it would be cruel of me to inflict that on her!

In a rather odd sort of way I'm attatched to my padding - it keeps me warm and my son said to me last night he did n't want me to be skinny cause I would nt be all soft and cuddly then. People say you change when you lose a substantial amount of weight and I've read countless stories of circles turning into rectangles (refer to my first blog for an explanation of that) and not being happy and actually wishing they were fat again - dont think I'd have much trouble becomming fat again if I was truely unhappy being skinny - I've been an expert at that all my life but can I really believe I would be happier being fat after working so hard and experiencing how it is to be skinny - truth is I dont know, I've never been there, never been skinny - I remember being 14 stone at 14 and thats pretty much how it continued. People talk about how a certain thing that happened made them decide enough was enough and decide they had to start getting rid of the blubber - I've so many things that have happened that probably should have been the wake up call that I needed but even those did n't make it happen - having to get off a ride in a theme park cause the safety bar would n't go down, spending 7 hours on a plane squashed so tight into a seat that i had bruises on the side of my legs, need I go on - oh yeah once going to a restaurant and actually bursting into tears cause the seat was so small it was cutting into my legs and I was in serious pain and even worse than that having a waiter bring me a different chair in full view of the whole restaurant - even that was n't my wake up call! Before I had kids I used to worry that being overweight would affect me having children - clearly it did n't cause 6 kids later I'm still on this on going journey. I've always beeen pretty fit for a fatty, I used to play hockey and swim, never let it bother me except in more recent years when I've been suffereing with a bad back and joint pain - still manage to get about and do my stuff. I even brushed off my recent miscarriage when the nurse said my weight could have been a factor - na not me, I'm fat but fit and I've had 6 kids - how come they managed to be born ok - that does play on my mind though and in my head I've decided not to make determined effort to concieve at this moment - would like to lose some weight just in cause it was a factor in my recent miscarriage although I'm far from convinced. Maybe I'm the only fat person that thinks like this but I feel untouchable, yup I'm fat but all those 'fat' issues happen to other people. Actually more to the point is that I've managed to convince myself that I'm invincible. As I'm typing I'm watching super skinny vs super size and its not helping watching it seeing a super skinny twiglet who is totally unhappy with her size. Is n't the truth that no matter what our body size or body shape is, we will never truely be satisfied - so my mission, my aim is not a weight, not a size, but just to be healthier and every pound I lose will have me heading towards my target!

Wednesday 24th March

Balls Balls and more Balls! Temptation proved too much, I should have known it would - infact I was positive it would when I decided I had to get my sons nappies from Boots when I was going to Tescos as well - I told myself I would go to boots cause I collect the advantage points and use it to treat myself from time to time - who was I kidding - the lur of the weighing scales proved too much - in the car on the way there I kept saying to myself, dont do it dont do it, I guess I kind of experienced in a tiny way how drug addicts or alchoholics feel. I weighed and right away wish I did nt cause............. despite doing everything right I was a pound heavier than I was on monday - like what the hell?? Do I have to cut off my arm to lose a pound or something and yes I was and am being totally irrational but I dont care - my sensible head is telling me, thats why we are told only to weigh once a week as we always fluctuate and so many factors influence the scales - being rational I know that but looking at the weighing slip told me different - I''m breathing deeply and from now on I'm not even going to step foot in boots except for a monday morning - you would have thought the shame of standing on scales that talk louder than my arab husband does when he is on the phone and trust me that is really loud, would have discouraged me but even that did n't. I think even if the scales even shouted out my weight I'd still be tempted..... Mmmm no I would n't. Maybe I should email boots and tell them if you have to embarrass us fatties but having scales that talk to us and alert the whole store to whats going on, why not go one step further, let the scales shout out the weight too and have us all heading off to slit our wrists as people look around and realise you are probably heavier than the mini parked outside the shop window!

I feel much calmer now I've let that out :) and I'm totally disregarding that weight and am thinking like it never happened and I'm just going to carry on doing what I'm doing, I know it works and I'm not going to let some numbers drag me down.

How come is it we are always good at giving advice but when it comes to following it ourselves we are totally rubbish - I was helping a fellow slimmer last night who was having issues about eating too little yet for the last two days I've been doing the same. Its not a conscious thing, I did n't even realise it till I was writing my food diary last night and now I see many gaps again where I should have been having things. I've just been keeping myself busy so I dont get bored and give myself time to think and crave things. I'm not getting that much free food in and I'm missing a couple of healthy extras too. Note to myself tomorrow I'll deffinately be taking my own advice and fitting in a couple of snacks to boost my intake.

How is it that as soon as we lose weight, even if its only a couple of pounds we think our bodies have been transformed into Kate Moss look alikes - I've lost 6 lbs, my little finger probably weighs that much so NO I'm not suddenly 14, 12 or even 10 sizes smaller yet today I tried on a pair of trousers I've not worn for about 2 years and suprisingly expected to get them on yet they did n't even reach past my knees just the same as they would n't have done last week - us dieters love to set ourselves up for a fall, punish ourselves by pushing targets that are not realistic - baby steps, need to learn to crawl before I can walk - more like actually need to learn to sit up before I can crawl, I've such a long way to go - Day by day, even hour by hour is the key I think, just need to retrain my brain to think like that!

Thursday 25th March

First of all I have to say today how proud I am of my slimming buddy - she's done so well and 8lb in a week is an inspiration to us all, I'll deffinately be taking some ideas from her food diary, way to go Em!

I started today off really well, had a proper breakfast, my quorn bacon style rashers on toasted bread with ketchup - It's very rare we have those in the house cause just saying the word bacon on it means hubby bans it but I just could n't resist.

I had an unexpected trip in the afternoon to pick up a friend who wanted to come stay for a few days so I was off to Manchester but that meant I did n't get lunch today and instead just snacked on some pineapple on the way there - I hardly used my sins either so I really need to be eating more as the less you eat the less weight you lose. In this case, more is deffinately the way to g0.

I've had a fab day with my friend, she's following the plan to so we were able to make a sin free dinner and I actually totally enjoyed it, quorn chicken pieces and chinese rice - yummy for sure!

Nothing much more to write today and I'm totally shattered so I need to get and grab some sleep - will catch up properly tomorrow xxx

Friday 26th March

wow day 12 here and I'm still going strong with total motivation! My motivation was proved today and I'm rather proud of myself if I do say so myself. Tempation was all around and I did n't even fold one little bit - went to Asda to get yet some more pineapple and decided after that my circle friend and I would have a nice jacket potato with beans in the cafe there. I asked the woman to put a sprinkling of cheese on top of them and she may aswell have dumped the whole pack on. First mishap was trying to sit in a bench like seat attached to the floor - darn it I felt the whole table move as I sat down and was rather greatful that I was wearing a something slippy so I could kind of slide myself out. I then decided I did n't want all of the offending cheese and tried to sort of flick it off onto the side of the plate - ummm I kind of used far more force than was neccessary and nearly wet myself laughing as grated cheese flew across my table and landed on the table next to us - so ladies in the next table if you ever some how read this, I appologise and I really did n't mean to flick cheese at you :P

I sniffed chocolate today!! Well its better than eating it is it not? It smelt unbelievable, I imagine rivers in heaven are flowing with chocolate, kind of like in willy wonka except without the umpa lumpas and the air smells like cadbury's chocolate factory. Reading back I'm a bit worried about myself now cause if I was reading this on someone elses blogg I'd probably get them sectioned!

I feel lighter today! I mean not a whole lot more lighter but I'm sure I have lost weight this week - if I have n't I'm going to chop a finger off or something cause I'll be sucidal if the scales don't show what I want - I'm used to getting what I want so how come I can't wish myself skinny - its the one thing in my life I've not been able to control but guess what - I'm feeling more in control now than I ever have done and for me, thats huge progress! Oh and another positive is that I finally seem to have gained control of my bladder, I can't tell you how much of a relief that is!

Two days till I meet with the omen scales that talk, lets hope they talk my language this time!

Saturday 27th March

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

My mum (god only knows how) found her way to my blog and knows about the chocolates! Guess I really owe her a new box and seeing as she's just had surgery I'll buy her a huge box when I visit her only this time I'm putting them in the boot so I really can't be tempted to eat them - not that I will cause I'm on focus past focus and soooooooo chuffed!

Had friends over for a BBQ today and boy did the chicken and lamb smell good but I was really controlled, had about 4 pieces, small amount of rice and some salad - I even managed to walk to the icecream van and just have a coffee! Today stress was at a maximum! Kids playing up big time and even then I managed to keep on the path, I so hope I can continue this till I get to a healthy weight.

Not going to write much today, I'm wondering if I should n't be blogging every day and just stick to every few days cause maybe people get bored of reading it when I waffle on too much? We'll see.

Good night fellow bloggers, oh and don't forget clocks go forward by one hour tonight! x!x

Sunday 28th March

I'm feeling a bit traumatised today! As far as I remember I was a big child, not just a big child but a biiig child. I was at boarding school and I remember not being allowed to have desserts after lunch and would go off to do piano practise while every one else had custard and sticky toffee pudding. I was n't even allowed to spend my pocket money in the school tuck shop - think that affected me cause I still remember now the feeling of being singled out and every one knew why. A friend from a family that I used to stay with in holidays etc contaced me recently cause her mother had passed away and while emptying her mothers house she came across a stack of photographs that belonged to me and she kindly sent them to me - I did n't even rember these pictures existed but looking at them now I dont think I was actually that big - I was deffinately bigger than the average child but deffinately not HUGE and I wonder now if less damage would have been done to my eating habits had I not have been singled out so young and being allowed things in moderation rather than being denied them completely! I think as parents we all have a difficult knowing how best to deal with a child with a weight issue and often we try our best but don't get it right, maybe it is all genetic and we fatties are going to be this way when our eating habits are out of control.

I've just put myself through the trauma of eating quorn pieces with thai sweet chilli flavoured rice. It was like eating cardboard, maybe I did something wrong but I'm not going to be doing that again, I've got serious jaw ache! Beans and Mash would have deffinately been more appetising. I'm fancying something sweet - think that fat free fromage frais 2 chocolate options and splenda is on the cards, when you've been chocolate deprived for nearly two weeks its suprising what you can get excited about :P

I know its only been two weeks since I started but I've deffinately got more energy and more get up and go about me - I've been waking up in the middle of the night and going downstairs and cleaning - I'm not saying thats normal but for me it is but lately I was so tired I had n't been doing that and I'd been doing everything to avoid going up and down the stairs during the day. I think its more that I'm eating properly and not guzzling down so much sugar rather than the actual weight loss at the moment. Good times, long may they continue! Weigh day tomorrow aadn the start of week 3 - wish me luck!