Staying Power!! Week 10

Monday 17th May

Gosh I can't believe I've been following the plan for more than 2 months now - sometimes it seems to have flown by and sometimes it does n't but all that counts is that I'm more than 2 stone lighter than I was when I started and had I have not started it then I'd probably have put on the 2 stone not lost lol. Every pound counts, I just keep telling myself that.

Good day on the plan, infact a very good day, tried something new for dinner instead of the usual beans and mash - I had rice and a chick pea dahl and it was lovely - could n't eat that much of it but it was nice - still fancy having my beans and mash though lol is this what its like to be an addict haha - I do have to have beans every single day though, something warm and comforting about them.

I've worked out one of my hunger issues I think - I always wonder how come I can feel hungry after eating a good amount of dinner etc - I'll feel stuffed just after then 20 mins later I'm eating fruit or cereal bars etc - there is tummy hunger and head hunger - tummy hunger is exactly what it says; its where you are physically hungery, have n't eaten for ages and have an empy stomache; on the other hand head hunger is a mental issue where you head somehow convinces your tummy that its empty, has n't been filled in ages and needs feeding again - haaaaaaaa working that out was the easy part and really pretty obvious, now I need to work out how to stop the head controling the stomache and turn it around so the stomache controls the head! If I work it out, I'll bottle it and sell it on ebay, by this time next year I'll be a millionaire said in the words of Del Boy!! Gosh that used to be my dads favourite programme, god rest his sole - he still laughed every time he watched it no matter how many times he had watched it before, really miss the old fella, well not so old really, he died young but still missed all the same xxx

Tuesday 15th May

Crap crap crap and more crap!! Lol I'm such a drama queen I even find myself funny. I knew from the morning I was n't going to stay on plan today and you know what to be honest I really dont care! I'm going to have days like these, I'm human, I can't be perfect all the time and I've told myself that infact days like these will actually keep me on the plan as long as I get straight back on plan the following day!

It was n't anything drastic but I was in a picky mood from the morning. I tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind off it and I lasted till about 7pm when I caved in and had two muller corner yoghurts (bearing in mind I'd already used up all my sins during the day), 2 pieces of toast with nutella on them and last but not least infact last but most I had the most amazing piece of cheesecake ever, ok I'm lying actually it was n't, infact I was so disappointed with it that I nearly did n't eat it after the first mouthful, ha who am I kidding!! I've had much better cheese cakes though I have to say and this was what hubby came back with him after I asked him for it - it was ridiculously high in calories and I am not even going to begin to try to syn it cause I dont care - tomorrow is another day and I'll be back on track and feeling positive! Again this is how I'm thinking totally differently this time cause in the past I'd have turned one bad day into a bad week and the rest is history, no need to explain more. I think I was feeling stressed too cause Haydar was poorly and was in a really crabby mood and cried for most of the day - still I have to learn to not use food as an emotional crutch for when my mood is off or I'm getting stressed. What do normal people do - I say normal as in 'slim' or non fat people do when they are stressed, maybe they smoke or reach for the alchohol - personally I think I'd rather go for food than either of those hmmmm interesting thought!

I feel sorry for my hubby - he's always totally out to make me happy and has n't yet learnt to say no to me. He's really in a no win situation to be honest, if I ask him to bring me tasty treats I feel bad after I've eaten them and tell him he should n't bring them and if he tried to say no he won't bring anything I'd have a huge toddler like tantrum and make his life hell - oh the joys of being a man although I sympathise with him slightly, its all part and parcel of being a husband!!

No more eating early in the day for me, no more eating syns early in the day and no more eating HE early in the morning cause thats what I crave for later in the day and if I've used them up thats when I find myself in trouble.

Wednesday 19th May

OH MY GOSH what a day!!!! I did n't stop all day long - Haydar had us up most of the night last night coughing and just being generally unwell so it was a trip to the GP first thing, did manage to get some housework done before we went but my normal routine was all over the place - funny how odd that makes me feel, usually I like the house done top to bottom before I even sit down so having to go out without half of it being done is strangely disturbing for me! From the GP it was home, pick up Yaz then take her to the hospital as she had an appointment there. Decided Haydar was n't well enough to take to nursery although I regretted that as the the afternoon wore on as someone had swapped my gorgeous angelic son for a little devil - he was all over the place, even throwing himself on the floor having tantrums, lost a few hairs today that was for sure. We went to Costa for a treat, I have to say I was controlled - did have a treat but felt good for it and really it was my sins for the day - skinny latte and a banana breakfast bun - I'm not going to beat myself up about these things any more, I'm human and I have a life and I want to live it and if it means having the odd treat now and then or even more than that so bloody what!!! Oh the shame - it always happens to me, think I've got I'm stressed out see if you can stress me out even more written across my forehead! My card was declined in Costa!! Tried it again, and declined again - how bloody embarrassing is that, people automatically look at you like your not good for it or your trying to play one over - ran out to the cashpoint outside, got charged £1.65 for the priveledge of taking cash out to cover the bill!! Call to HSBC not a happy customer only to be told it had been stopped by the fraud detection department as they felt there was some unusual activity on my account! I mean what the hell, I use it alot, does n't mean its fraudulent! It just got better and better after that when they told me they had now put a stop on the card and they would have to send me out a new one cause someone had tried to do a transaction on the net for £1 and it was n't me arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I realised today just how much I depend on my card - had to call MoMo to transfer some money to Yaz's account just so I could do some shopping!! And who's going to give me back my £1.65 that I was charged for the priviledge of withdrawing my own bloody cash???

After that we had a trying on session in Asda, Yaz wanted a maxi dress but we could n't find one but found stuff for her to try on and did eventually find a couple of dresses she liked - mum got screwed over again!! Went to get Haydar some sandals from Next and of course came out with a couple of pairs of shorts and 4 t-shirts!

Loads more things I had to do today, not going to bore you and list them all but suffice to say I did n't get home till about 8pm and was starving!! I mean so hungry my stomache was talking to me and what did I get when I did finally sit down to eat, guess ha!! I bet you got it right, yup yup, beans and mash haha my trusty old friend :P

Right now I'm tucking into a huge bowl of strawberries and they are so yummy and the additional bonus is that they are super speed food, burn those calories mama!!

oh yea and not wanting to big myself up or anything but I went through Mcdonalds drive through to get Haydar a happy meal and Yaz some chips and what did I go for - oh yeah not the mcflurry that was shouting my name or the chips that were making me dribble but a fruit bag! oh yeah you read it right, a fruit bag!! Now thats dedication for you :)

Thursday 20th May

Busy Busy day!! Infact it seems to me lately that all my days are busy, all over the place, appointments, visits, shopping, nursery etc - endless list, I'm on ever ready batteries these days!

Weather is heating up, makes me feel all summery and want to eat salads... why is that, how come when the sun comes out even for a few hours we all get a health kick? Oh and one more thing, related to sun and heat etc - how come the sun only has to peep out for a little bit and every one starts taking off their clothes??? What's that all about - I would n't mind so much really but most of the people taking their clothes off should actually be covering up the excess flesh that they have on show!! It's so not a good look!!

Weigh in day and group day!! If I'm realistic I'll be happy to have maintained this week as I have had a few treats - not calling them bad days cause they were n't - they were controlled treats on a healthy living programme! Yaz decided she was going to take the plunge and join too so I agreed to pay half of the cost for her, she needs to show some kind of commitment aswell so thats my way of making her appreciate that the class does cost money and it is a long term commitment! GO ME GO ME 1 and a half pounds off which was pretty good all things considered and every single pound counts and its going down in the right direction. I'm hoping to have a really good week next week, no treats and cutting down on the snack bars and bananas cause I could really do with a nice boost and have a good few pounds off - seems to be dragging on and on, I've always lost weight so much faster in the past but maybe thats where I've been going wrong - looking at the long term and not restricting myself so I get no treats at all seems to be the right way to go - time will tell but fingers crossed this time will be really different!

Snacking really is my problem and someone said something to me the other day when I'd mentioned I was in a snack type mood - she said ok thats not a problem just snack on real food and thats stuck with me - basically from now, if I'm feeling hungry then I'm going to eat something proper, a small bowl of pasta, a slice of toast, some salad etc rather than reaching for the alpen light bars or bananas etc - lets see if that makes a difference. I do eat alot of bananas, could sometimes be 4 or 5 a day and I heard that someone once was n't losing weight as she should be and she cut the bananas out and the weight started dropping off so I'm going to apply that and see how it makes a difference for me next week.

Right now I'm off to have my beans and mash, and yes I know I have it nearly every day but I love it!! So hush and let me wallow in my heinz and smash!!

Friday 21st May

Oh my oh my what a day, another busy busy day - seems to be the story of my life at the moment, don't seem to have a day where I can just sit down and do nothing - mind you saying that idle hands and all that - probably for the best cause when I'm sitting around doing nothing I get the munchies!

Had Haydar back at the doctors cause he is coughing so badly at night he was struggling to catch his breath last night and was wretching - he's been given an inhalor to try to calm down his irritated tubes - oh thats going to be real good fun trying to get him to take that... NOT

The youngest twins decided they were both ill today and could n't go to school for the last day of the year and I was in no mood to argue with them having been up alot of the night with Haydar so I had them following me around all day. I had a doctors appointment too and so did Ali so we camped out in the doctors room for at least 35 minutes while we had the 3 appointments - think she was glad to see the back of us. Haydar was the munchkin from hell there too, he was running all over the place, causing havoc - bless him, some how he makes bad behaviour seem cute???

It was a lovely hot day today and I managed to stick to my strict regime so I'm feeling really pleased about that - just want one week of being really strict to try to have my big weight loss to give me a much needed boost. I'm hoping on 5 pounds this week - one day down and 6 more to go - weekends are always challenging for me but if the weather is as nice tomorrow as it was today I'm going to suggest we head out up to Bolton Abbey with a pinic and the pinic blanket and just enjoy the weather and let the boys get some fresh air - we love it up there, hubby loves being out in the countryside and I think he needs to chill out as he's had quite a stressful week too. We need to start getting out and doing things and while I'm still not able to walk for really really long distances I can manage a bit and every tiny bit of excercise I do helps.

I was thinking about excersice today and was wondering about something - Cause I weigh so much does n't that mean that for example if I did a 1 mile walk that in reality its more like a 3 mile walk cause I'm carrying so much extra weight around lol - I'm using more energy and strength to carry it than skinny joe bloggs, are you following me or am just being a clutz lol - makes me feel better to think that though so its all good - mind you don't think I could actually get away with documenting my excercise as 3 times more than I've done just cause of my weight but it helps me in my head haha

so good night sweeties, going to go munch on some lovely pineapple - and no I've not had beans and mash today :P Beans yes but no mash lol

Saturday 23rd May

Oh my Oh my!! What a beautiful day! We all slept quite late today - as in all I mean Haydar, hubby and I, Haydar did n't wake up till 12pm lazy tot he is!

Decided to take a picnic to the park and just chill out in the glorious sunshine. Made loads of healthy things, boiled eggs, baby new potatos, salad, melon, bananas,etc and packed it up and headed off to Roundhay - we stopped at Tesco on the way to pick up some break and hubby came back to the car with 4 french sticks and I could n't resist so had a few bits of that and it was deliscious and my other treat for the day was one and half fingers of a kitkat - was so worth it and so was n't worried about it at all. I'm luving my new attitude and way of thinking - think this is the first time in my life that I've actually had a near healthy attitude to food and actually allowing myself the odd treat now and then instead of binging and feeling guilty - it feels so good to be in control, I dont know if its going to last but I hope so cause I dont feel like going back to the dark place I was in before - 3 months is the most I've ever lasted on a healthy eating plan and we are not far off that now and I'm so aware that I can't slip back into old habits - this is the new improved me and I like it and I want to stay like this - this is a major achievement for me, I've never been in this place before. My previoius success with slimming world resulted in a huge weight loss over 3 months - about 6 stone but I put myself through hell to get that, not a single sin or treat passed my lips and I was in the gym 5 days a week and it was so unrealistic to think I could carry that on for any long period of time - 3 months passed, a holiday to turykey and bang, the regime was gone, could n't get back into it and the weight I'd lost went back on plus more, huge losses followed by huge gains - I'm never going back there again, I've got to change this for life to become a healthier person, not just physically but mentallly aswell. I've got 6 kids and a huge lot of grandkids to stay around for and I seriously intend to be here for that - mainly cause I want to see my kids go through the stresses of having kids and realise what they put me through haha - just kidding, but seriously I need to concentrate on completing my own family before any grandchildren come my way!

Inshallah we will have one more child - my recent miscarriage really upset things in my world. Thats the kind of thing that does n't happen to me, it happens to other people and I'm still trying to get my head around it - I was working out last night that I'd be 23 weeks pregnant by now and it seems like two minutes ago that I found out I was pregnant. It's weird cause that time has flown but had I have still been pregnant I know it would have been dragging on - Now we've made the desicion to put any baby plans on hold till around January when I've lost alot more weight. Hopefully then I'll be a whole much healthier and feel happier about myself that if I were lucky enough to fall pregnant then it would nt be such a strain on me. Cant leave it much longer than that, the years are passing by so fast that I'll be hitting 40 in just over 3 years - man!! I don't feel any where near as old as that lol

Good night my gorgeous ladies, xxx

Sunday 23rd May

What a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG day today was - how come a natural reaction to boredom is to eat and pick and pick cause that was what I was wanting to do all day - kind of went off the rails a bit but I'm not worried - wonder if cheerios are any less synned if you don't have the milk with them :P Lucky hubby questioned me after a while if I was allowed those on the SW plan and my negative response meant they were soon gone out of my reach lol. I'm finding it really weird that these days when I have a 'bad day' I'm not looking for the chocolate option - previous to this would mean a bad day would have me heading for the shop and to stock up on chocolate treats and cream cakes etc - how did it ever get to cheerios?? Probably the fact that I dont actually keep anything 'naughty' in the house any more and I'm too bone idle to get in the car and go get something. Usually the cupboards would be over flowing with crisps, biscuits, anything you would n't find in the healthy section would have been readily flowing in my direction! Icecream - thats my favourite and I'm so proud about how good I've been. I've not reached for icecream at all which is a huge achievment for me!

I had an afternoon snooze today, first time in a while and for some reason I decided to go into the lounge and nap on the leather couch - suffice to say when I woke up I had to peel myself off it!! Warm weather, leather and bare skin don't make for a happy 3some! Still all the same it was much needed and could deffinately get used to it!

Tomorrow is another day, will be nice and strict, fingers crossed.

xx!XX!xx