Not Bloody Funny!!! Week 14

Monday 14th June

I'm allowed to wallow and feel sorry for myself today, my back is just getting worse and I'm starting to feel really down about it - strangely enough though and really very unlike me I'm not reaching for the chocolate bars or icecream, infact quite the opposite, I'm still having my 100% days and all things considered I deserve a bloody medal.

I'm my own worst enemy. I'm in agony but I'm still doing all the cleaning and keeping on top of things just as I always have, its just taking me that bit longer to do it - yes yes yes I know the doctor said I need to rest - so let him provide me with a cleaner, cook, nanny, driver, referee etc and then I might just be able to rest. I'm still getting up in the middle of the night to go downstairs and check its all tidy etc and I always end up unloading the dishwasher and so on, making it spotless so when I get up in the morning I dont have to face it - I need to stop this Not only is it bad for my back, its just bad full stop - I need more sleep and need consistent sleep. I think I do it because I've had all my medication before sleeping so I'm not in so much pain when I wake up for the loo so my mind thinks I should take advantage of not being in agony and go get some stuff done - this leads me to another point!! I've been reading through my blog and on a couple of posts quite alot of what I've written makes no sense lol - no I've not been on the whisky or anything else for that matter but I have to take alot of medication at night, tablets for pain, for sciatica, for neuralgia etc and they make me really sleepy and often make me talk a load of rubbish and I think those posts have been written long after the medication has taken affect so my sincerest appologies :)

I ate more today but was all within my plan, used my syns and my HEX too. It's weird though cause when I use all of what I'm allowed part of me thinks that equates to a bad day - ridiculous I know but its very hard to explain. I love being in control of every aspect of my life but food has for so many years controlled me. For the first time ever I'm in control and I'm eating to live, not living to eat and its quite a strange concept for me. For the last week, since I came home from my friends I've been so in control its scary. Nothing has passed my lips that should n't have (behave, not smut intended at all )and I love this feeling of having total control - I'm sure soon enough I'll slip and have a bad day but for now I'm making the most of it. xxx

Tuesday 15th June

It's official, I'm bloody Wonder Woman!! Actually I suspect the majority of the female population of the world can lay claim to that title too. I may still be in agony (even worse than yesterday) however I still manage to keep a spotless house.

I think today is day 10 of 100% and I'm feeling really good - I'm so proud of me, I've never followed a programme like this for more than say 3 months and even then it's been a real struggle - I'm so excited to think that this time, maybe the last time I ever have to make a weightloss journey - ok so its a work in progress and probably always will be cause I'm always going to have to work to maintain my target - I'm not lucky enough to be one of those walking skeletons who can eat what they want, when they want and as much as they want and still look like their bodies are inside out!

I'm not sure if its the sunshine today or the nearly 3 stone that I've lost but I'm feeling really upbeat, like I can take on the whole world and win. I love this feeling, I hope it lasts... NO it will last, I've ordered it to do so.

I can't believe that my little baby girl is going to be 17 in a couple of weeks. First lets deal with the age issue - yes it makes me feel old but in reality I'm not - I'm not even close to hitting 40 but when I think back over the last 17 years so much has happened - I've probably lost and gained about 30 stone for a start! Oh what a waste, if only I'd stuck to it or had the same mindset that I have now I'd have been living in slim street for the last 15+ years instead of pudge lane! 17!! Oh gosh when I think back to where I was when I was 17 and where Yaz is, we are worlds apart - I was n't even living at home by then yet I don't even let Yaz sleep over at her friends house - yes I'm very protective over my children but then we don't live in the same world that existed 17 years ago. Oh and Dubai was so so different to the UK, man we did n't even lock our car doors yet here anything that's not nailed down will walk! I guess soon I'm going to have to let go a bit and give her some freedom but its really hard to do that, think I'll have to do a lot of convincing to myself to do that. I'm so very proud of her, she's a beautiful young lady with a promising future ahead of her and I know she'll do it, no matter what aims and goals she sets herself.... she'll be there and I'll be there celebrating at her graduation a few years from now.

I'm neglecting my husband! No other way of putting it. He's feeling unloved at the moment, what between cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, following this healthy eating plan there are few hours left in the day for hugs etc - my mind does n't stop, its always racing, thinking about the things that need doing, the things that I could be doing. Need to work on that I think, he's my world, my rock, don't want him to continue feeling like this. Hell, does it really matter if the dishwasher gets emptied at 3am rather than 8am or that I did n't wash the bathroom floor for one day - I know on paper it looks easy to change but infact its really difficult - I think I'm becoming more and more obsessed as the days go by, not just with cleaning but with eating. I seem to be eating less and less as the days go on - I'm keeping myself so busy so I don't sit there thinking about food or making it or eating it so there is method in my madness but what is n't so good is I'm getting up early, cleaning up all morning till Haydar goes to nursery and then if I've got everything done I might start thinking about food by about 2 or 3 o'clock. I've got a really strange feeling that despite having done so well this week that I'm not going to lose - of course that does n't make sense, one would assume that with having eaten so little this week, the pounds would just melt away but it does n't seem to work that way - guess we will see tomorrow evening, god help those dam scales if they read me something I dont like!!

I've got a cold sore! Not had one of those in ages - they are meant to be a sign that you are run down or not getting enough vitamin c - how can I be bloody run down, I'm eating so much more healthier than I have in years, maybe small quantities but it has to be better than the usual crap I have survived on for years. Maybe its cause I'm tired, I have been really tired lately but thats cause I get up in the middle of the night and start cleaning, I have n't had unbroken sleep in ages.

zzzzZZZZzzzzz think I nodded off there for a couple of minutes so I'll take that as the sign that I'm well and truely knackered!!! Gud night ma lovelies xxx

Wednesday 16th June

FOCUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED <-------- that's me :D

busy morning as all mornings are - decided to clean the cooker today, it took me 3 and a half hours but that's what happens when you start scrubbing the cooker and all the shelves and doors tc - had to answer the door to the comet repair man in my marigolds. Not smut plz, I was fully dressed in my pjs, result I'm getting a new freezer, this one is only 5 months old but the fault could n't be repaired!

I'll be honest, I've got lazy with this blog for the last couple of days and I'm actually writing this on friday and I'm actually struggling to remember anything significant that happened on this day - it's an age thing I keep being told. How come once you get past 35 your suddenly well on the way to being old?

I'm giving up, I've struggled and it's still not coming back to me so rather than freak myself out more by my failing memory I'm going to just skip to Thursday cause I can remember what happened then :d

Thursday 17th June

The sun was beaming today and it put me in a really good mood. Did some cleaning up and then went out with Haydar before I took him to nursery - we went to have the car washed - don't know why but that boy is fascinated with watching these men spray water and soap all over the car and then clean it off - he gets really excited about it, thats cool, I know where I'm taking him on our next day out. Went to do some shopping in Asda and Haydar ate a prawn mayonnaise sandwich as we were walking around - well I say ate, I had to practically forced feed him it and he only had half of it and I did n't even have a single bite and any one that knows me will tell you that I love prawn mayonnaise sandwiches, they are my thing and I used to get one every time I went to the s upermarket and eat it as I walked around - I've had a few disaproving looks, like who's business is it if I decide to eat a sandwich or a full bloody cheesecake while I walk around - I know for sure they are n't looking at me cause I'm eating they are looking at me cause I'm FAT and eating! Contrary to popular belief fat people have to eat too!

I had a snooze this afternoon, did n't really expect to sleep but I lay on the sofa and was out for the count - woke up and looked at the clock and it said 5 to 5 and I got really confused when hubby rang saying he was at nursery and did Haydar have a hat and if he did what did it look like. I looked at the clock again and it actually said 5 to 6 which meant that, that conversation actually made much more sense. What is it with men and leaving things at nursery - one day he came home with the wrong coat, the wrong bag and the wrong jacket, suprisingly he did actually manage to come home with the right child!

Fat club tonight!! Oh gosh I used to watch that programme and it had me in stitches, I'm just trying to imagine if SW actually had consultants like that, it might be quite amusing actually. Although my scales were showing that I had put on I figured that could n't really be true cause the trousers I put on were so lose compared to last time I wore them so it was probably the loosing inches and not pounds thing. I lost 2.5 pounds which I'll be honest about, did n't get me jumping up and down with excitement, I actually made her do it again cause I could n't believe I'd only lost that amount - not one bad thing passed my mouth this week so I should have had a good 5 or 6 pound loss, only thing that I can think of is that I have n't been eating enough so from tomorrow the tactic is I'm going to eat everything that I'm allowed to eat, HEX choices, syns and loads of free food and super speed food etc. We can see then what happens to my weightloss next week.

I'm so excited and I just can't hide!! Yes yes over the top I know but we ordered our new memory foam mattress. I slept on one when I stayed at my friends house the other weekend and it was just the best nights sleep I have had in so long and hubby said as soon as I told him about it that we could get one. It's quite funny when I think of memory foam mattresses. Before I actually slept on one I had visions of me sinking right into it and having to dig myself out of it in the morning - it was so NOT like that lool, it was like I was thinking of sleeping on a fluffy cloud. Good nights and pain free mornings ahead!

I vibrated tonight, please refer to previous posts, its a form of excercise before any of you start wondering, I did it for an hour despite my bad back and I'm going to be doing it every night cause the week that I did it solidly i lost 5lbs and I think it helped. We shall see!

Friday 18th June

Gosh for the first time in ages I had very little to do this morning cause I'd done it all - just cleaned the bathrooms and had a general tidy around.

So today is the first day of eathing 3 times a day properly and eating the right things between meals if I'm hungry - sounds a bit scary to me, like I won't be in control but I'll be working at it and see how it goes.

I had a banana and yoghurt for breakfast and then pottered around a bit - honestly I hate it when I'm not busy cause it makes me think of food that bit more.

Took the little one to nursery, and popped to Tesco on the way home. Headed straight for the couch and a nap cause I was feeling knackered, my own fault, getting up in the middle of the night to clean is not good for you!

I had golden rice and chick pea dahl for dinner and I actually managed to eat about half of it and I really did enjoy it. I'm learning so much about my pouch and what I can actually eat is surprising me cause its a good amount and makes me feel quite normal. Clearly I'll never be able to eat as much as a normal stomach can eat but its enough to for me and I'm enjoying actually having different foods and disccovering just how much I can eat. Makes me feel half way normal at least (hmmmm no comments on that as clearly a few of my friends will disagree on the normal part of things!).

In the evening I had a sandwich and yoghurt and snacked on fruit and yoghurts. It did feel a bit strange eating that much, still have to get my head around this fact that you can eat as long as its within the plan, either free, HEX or sinned things then you are still excercising an element of self control. This is clearly an area that I need to work on but I will get there, if not today, or tomorrow I will deffiantely get there one day!

Saturday 19th June

How typical! Pinic day has arrived and it looks like its going to bloody rain and its so windy that it's freezing. This day out has been arranged for weeks and there has been lovely weather

Leila and I made up a healthy picnic, don't think there was anything 'bad' in there, infact apart from the mayonnaise in the sandwich, the houmous was the only thing that had syns.

Met up with some lovely ladies and we ate our picnic under the gazebo in the park cause it was windy and was raining but we still had fun and every one seemed to enjoy themselves. After that we took the kids into tropical world, it was n't bloody cold in there, the sweat was dripping off me. I was really good, I had a solero icelolly but synned it and really enjoyed it too.

Seemed to walk for miles and miles today, we did n't but its the furthest I've walked in a long while and I'm glad I had the sense to take some of my painkillers before we left so I did n't have to worry about backache too. I doubt very much I would have been able to do that before I lost the 3 stone, it still tired me out but at least I managed it. yeah me, this weightloss life style is already having a positive effect on me.

Came home rather late and had the rest of my rice and chickpea dahl from yesterday plus strawberries and cherries and I did have another solero so I might have gone slightly over my syns but thats fine cause I always have a few spare at the end of each day anyway.

I don't often socialise like I did today, mainly it was because at the weight that I was at I would have struggled with walks etc and its rather embarrassing to go out to the park or whatever in a group and end up miles behind cause you are out of breath or in pain. I'm looking forward to doing more of it as my weight continues to drop, it's good for me, its good for Haydar to mix with other kids and Leila really enjoyed it too.

Heading off to sleep now feeling rather smug and content - today could have been a recipe for disaster but I kept control, did n't eat any of the sweet things that were being passed around by the other ladies and just stuck to the healthy options I had taken with me :)

Sunday 20th June

Today was official a day off!! It did n't start that way and it certainly was n't planned. It was a lovely day from first thing in the morning so hubby decided to put our new gas bbq together - I say new, it was a hand me down from my inpatient mother - she bought it and when she tried to put it together she discovered there were screws missing and not being of the patient sort she swore very loudly and threw it in the garage and went and bought a new one, as you do - lucky for us that when we got it, hubby took it to pieces to start again and there was actually no screws missing, mum had just used the wrong screws in the wrong places :D so ty mother for our new posh BBQ :D

Any how mum was coming over to bring my son home as he stayed at hers over the weekend so he could cut her grass (and get paid for the priviledge!) and we decided hubby would go and get the gas and a shedful of meat and we would do a BBQ. Strangely enough I was ok till I went to the front door and the baby's changing bag was on the side open and there was a half packet of malted milk biscuits grinning at me - just out of no where I popped on in my mouth and true to form, one is not enough and I kept going back till the packet was empty! Then it was kind of 'I'm having a day off' and although I did n't go mad and not a hint of chocolate passed my mouth I had a few solero lollies, a packet of skips and a few other things that have totally passed me by - its ok I'm not worried, tomorrow is a new day and its nice to be able to do that from time to time.

I've got a friend coming to stay for a few day which will be quite testing cause although she is following the plan too instead of helping each other sometimes we have a tendancy to encourage each other to be naughty - I can't even begin to mention here what we did one day while she was here last time she stayed, I'm not that brave and I think she would actually kill me if I shared that tale - suffice to say it truely was not pretty and I ended up feeling q uite traumatised by the whole experience and actually quite degraded.... we will have to work that bit harder now to make sure we stay on track and don't egg each other on when one is feeling a binge coming on.

Stayed up really late, far far too late, went downstairs, did some cleaning up and grabbed a few corner yoghurts on the way - more syns, can't even begin to think how many I did have today but I'm so over it now, tomorrow is a new week and and a new day!!!